I can’t just get rid of the other one since I’ve become so attached to her. We’ve been through all my suffering at the same time. But she’s everything I’m not, that I wish I could have been: white, tall, masculine, creative, talented, and unattractive. I envy that someone like her doesn’t have weed addicts and random people begging for her number. Anyone who would be her friend would actually like her for who she is and not her appearance or some shallow reason.

I would bring her creations to life as they are pretty cool and could probably make a lot of money but I can’t be a “talented black person” again. I’d rather drink piss out of a Colored Only fountain than be “black excellence” all over again. Every hobby I did was “excellence” and I had to be filmed and displayed like a circus animal for something no one would care if a white person did.

So I feel conflicted, having actually created stuff despite the past, and being this gross alien thing whose work is So Special. There’s no way I’d escape that crap. If I pretend to be white, someone would find out and expose me, and everything I created would be popular because a black woman made it. All criticism is dismissed and censored because it’s racist white boys angry a black woman exists. Everything will be 5 stars and 10/10, and my games would be game of the year, solely because I’m a black woman and not a random normal game developer.

I would hate to die before having the chance to share her creations with the world but I can’t be a black person who made something. I can’t go through it again. And even if I ignored it, I’d still be letting her down by having her fandom only exist to infantilize a black person so they don’t look racist.

  • loopy@lemm.eeEnglish
    2·
    26 days ago

    First, I’m not a counselor but I highly recommend one. It is so useful to sort things out with someone. It sounds like you are conflicted between two bad options: conform to fit in, or be patronized. Those both suck and I can see why that can cause anguish.

    Is there any way you can be around people that dont fit those two categories? Someone that you can relate to and feel more like yourself?

    And some of what youre describing sounds similar to the Black exploitation in the film industry. People described their experience that they needed to act a certain way to “be Black” or they were not accepted. Just an idea, but could you put your art out there in a more anonymous way? The feedback you get might be more authentic, if that’s what you are looking for. Ideally you wouldnt need to do this, but unfortunately it is what some authors and artists have done to navigate the race-based treatment.

    I hope the best for you. It’s a shit world sometimes.