There will forever be a part of me that thinks I’m annoying and I should just shut up. If I go drinking with family and friends I will wake up the next day and remember the small weird things I say and I will break out in cold sweat and the only thing that helps is mentally imagining swords piercing from both collarbones in an X pattern while I’m chained naked to the ceiling. I try to feel them.
I only feel better if I’ve sufficiently punished myself enough in my mind, which takes about three days. My daily moniker is “I’m sorry”. My mother gets mad at me for saying it too much, my girlfriend and my sister have expressed “being fed up” with me asking if I did anything stupid the night we drank before.
Thing is that I know I’m an extremely happy and friendly drinker. I just feel embarrassed that I talk too much. But if I try to be quiet people start to ask me if I’m okay, or else say that I’m being boring.
Being an ex-extrovert really is your crucifix after you’ve embarrassed yourself into becoming an introvert. I used to have the world in a box… now I’m hiding in a box in the world.
I’m in this comic, and while I have an amazing partner, I still stop myself mid-ramble from time to time because those mean comments still live in the back of my head.
Im thankful my partner reassures me to keep rambling, and I hope the internalizing I’ve done in my dark, formative years become insignificant enough that I no longer second-guess myself one day
Are you my partner? My partner’s like this. Sometimes it saddens me to see the struggle.
I don’t think so, but i hope you’re in a good spot with your partner, and that they manage to also get the help that they may need to overcome those internal obstacles while respecting boundaries.
Im slowly working towards being able to afford therapy myself, since while the encouragement greatly helps, there’s also stuff deep down (in my own experience) that I would need to work through to hopefully, eventually overcome my own obstacles.
Lol, of course not. She’s not even on Lemmy.
I had to reassure her that things will be alright. Still do sometimes, but she’s improved a lot.
