I spent my whole life experimented on, neglected, bullied; physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, and used to inspire all the actual real people into donating to an institution I was locked away in over a stupid puzzle piece misdiagnosis. My parents did not raise me and my siblings were my first bullies. I was the scapegoat for everything that went wrong. I wasn’t allowed to do anything for myself, which made me a burden, but I also wasn’t allowed to learn or try them as that made me spoiled and ungrateful.

My mother only wanted money or fame from me. I didn’t qualify for free money from the government and I wasn’t talented enough to be famous, yet she forced me in so many stupid patronizing performances and crap despite me literally begging her not to. I spent my childhood trying to hide myself and be invisible.

I was in a class of 12 people where only 5 of the kids could actually hold a conversation. One was a bully I was forced to “be friends with”. Another loved starting fights over the tiniest things, and was deliberately annoying to incite drama. The others were my friends but they were friends with the bully who isolated me from them whenever I didn’t forgive him for bullying me. He bullied my friends as well but they never stood up to him as he had so much power over everyone and made an example out of me. I wanted him gone and made myself unattractive and gross to push him away, but ended up pushing everyone away.

I was treated like a celebrity by everyone in that institution for non-existent “talent” and “intelligence”. I knew it was all fake. I was the only black girl who had hobbies, so I was shoved front and center of everything, including performances of other groups. I hated it, I felt like I was wearing a wedding gown at someone else’s wedding. I knew it was unfair to the other kids in my group who never got to be the main character, narrator, or soloist; and to the other groups who were afterthoughts in their own performances. I wanted that to stop, before I hated it for the extra attention I got, I hated it for how unfair it was to everyone. But all the staff called my spoiled and ungrateful for having this “privilege” no one else got, while also making me feel (more) guilty for taking the spotlight away from everyone for 10 years.

Life was sitting on a short bus for 2 hours, sitting in the same desk for 7 hours, then sitting for 2.5 hours on the short bus to go home and lie in bed staring at the ceiling. Weekends were spent lying in bed daydreaming if I wasn’t on a laptop or game console, if I’m at home, otherwise I’m trapped in grocery stores for fifteen hours for my mother to buy herself thousands of dollars worth of food she eats less than 1% of and wastes the rest of. Gym class was rarer then winning the lottery five consecutive times, and most of the time gym became “yoga” where we sat at the same assigned desk and stretched our arms for five minutes.

This drove me insane but everyone assumed it was the stupid puzzle piece that progressed like cancer. I originally wanted kill myself when I was 7, but I made the mistake of drawing it out on the chalkboard: stabbing myself in front of an oncoming train, getting hit by it, cops arriving and shooting my body to make sure I’m dead, then the entire world celebrating “Finally, It’s Gone!!!” I was hospitalized and then grounded for months for wasting my mother’s time and money spent on transit.

I should have actually died, instead of continuing to live as scum less human than a rat, where all the love and friendship I experienced was fake, every compliment was backhanded, and all criticism was vague so I can’t improve. I should have died instead of being used to show actual humans that scum can accomplish things almost as well as actual people. I should have died instead of being a burden I did not need to be as I could have had a real childhood if I were given a chance at life, if I were seen as a human being instead of that stupid puzzle piece. It does not matter what I accomplish today, I will always be better off dead, and I will always suffer until I finally die. My family wanted me gone for being a dependent burden and being crazy from experiencing “school”. My high school and college, after the institution, wanted me gone for almost being raped so many times, and because they’re scared of that stupid puzzle piece. I really should have just been a stillborn baby, euthanized upon the misdiagnosis, or dead at 7. I should have just not drawn the plan, and went for it back when I believed in god and thought I’d see my late dog in heaven.

I’m one of the lucky people for actually getting out of that shit, going to a real high school, and working. So many other children stayed in that shithole until they aged out, or were moved into the group home attached to it, where disgruntled underpaid former high school bullies take out their anger on what they view as a “lucky” person who can’t work. Their lives were destroyed before they could even start, and their corpses are kept alive until they die of suicide or a drug overdose as a result of the staff trying to make them convenient. Society will never love the mentally disabled. The few who actually live their children are the smallest minorities. When will you realize we still have eugenics, just cruelly slower and infinitely more painful than a lethal injection?

Oh right, no one cares. If these things happened to a dog it would be animal cruelty, but these people are less than animals so they need to get over it. You can’t be cruel or bigoted towards the most unloved demographic, and nothing will ever change. What is the point of living unloved and unwanted by everyone in your life, after it peaked when you were three?