I’m curious how other folks have managed life after detransition. Due to mental health stuff (ended up in “grippysock jail” over half a dozen times) and later losing health insurance, I detransitioned some years ago. Semi-recently I went back on hormones, got an orchiectomy (which eased bottom dysphoria considerably), and now find myself stuck somewhere in the middle. I present as male exclusively.
I get that some people may wish to perform gender along the lines of what I’m describing, and that’s totally valid but it is not the case for me. I find the current state of affairs incredibly frustrating: I would like to be perceived as a woman. Or at least part of me does - another part doesn’t care and is waiting until I can become an hero and end the whole sordid business. In either case, presenting as female poses significant challenges, and I’m too depressed and discouraged to even try to surmount them. Even when I was more functional and had the pecuniary advantage of an allowance, it was very clear that no matter how well I honed the art of “presenting” as female, I would probably never pass.
So, to restate the question, how do people deal with the fact that (as those in some quarters of the internet put it) “you will never be a real girl”?
(and incidentally, should anyone be concerned, I’m safe and currently under psychiatric care)
Thanks for the thoughtful reply! Glad you found at least some of it interesting.
Not sure where you’d want to take it from here, so I’ll just leave you with a little more food for thought.
Based on what you wrote, it’s not entirely clear where your idea of what it means to be a girl comes from. Is it some kind of instinctive, innate image that comes from within, or is it some external image that you have been pressured or conditioned into internalizing? How can you even tell the difference?
From what you said about rigid frameworks and your upbringing, it sounds like you could benefit from learning/exploring different ways of looking at the world. In my own situation, I’ve found it helpful to study logical fallacies as a way of thinking things through more critically, and different forms of philosophy to shake my perspective up. The former gives a good lens to help decide what is useful for you in the latter. Could be worth exploring if that’s a goal of yours. Not that I have any idea whether or not you’re doing this sort of thing already.
Thanks, and sorry for writing a lot. I finally set up an appointment with a therapist (they’re trans too, which is cool), so soon I’ll have a space to sort myself out without imposing on the kindness of internet strangers.