I’m fixing the mistake my parents made by having me and the mistake I made not killing myself 19 years ago life a fucking idiot. My hands are bleeding from punching the wall and I won’t be able to work later anyway. Yeah so fucking funny that a kid is smelly and gross because the parents never taught it how to clean itself and wipe. So funny. It’s stinky because it’s a retard. So fucking funny. And when it learns how to be clean on its own, that’s so funny that it’s trying to be grown and normal like actual people. Funny! So fucking funny that it wants body wash, that’s so funny, a retard asking for body wash instead of an actual human being. Funny! And when it grows older and gets into skincare that’s so funny! It wants to be grown at 23! So funny that a 23 year old bought skincare products at 23 years old, that’s so funny that a 23 year old retard is stepping out of its place to try being normal that’s SO FUCKING FUNNY RIGHT? Yeah the retard should just be the stink and dirty retard it always was instead of an actual human being. I really should have killed myself sooner.
Whoa whoa whoa, friend, slow down. It’s okay. I’m here. You’re loved. I promise, I mean that.
I don’t know what you’re going through but I know where I’ve been and what I’m reading here. I know shame. I know anger and resentment. I know feeling trapped at the bottom of a well forever. I know that it seems like someone who was supposed to take care of you and keep you safe didn’t do that, and I’m sorry. Some people had some really terrible attitudes about things and that led them to hurt you, but it’s gonna be okay if you stick around. Okay? Or at least, it can be.
There is a lot of beauty to find in being alive, and you’ll never see it if you’re not. Time will keep going forward and pain will fade, and your good choices will eventually pile up into a mountain you can stand on top and look back from. I mean that, because I’m a survivor, and I’m standing on that mountain now. It took a long time but I got there, and you can too.
Let your life be a testament to the divine beauty that is your own existence. Fuck those people. You are you and you never get another one. So, please, stick around, okay?
I have no value at all. I really don’t get why everyone’s trying to gaslight me into believing I could be loved.
Now that’s just not true. Nobody’s gaslighting you here. None of us internet strangers are trying to manipulate you, we’re trying to make sure you don’t kill yourself. Simply because you’re a person and all people have value.
I mean that. You don’t know what the rest of your life holds. If you’re 20 (sorry OP you said you’re 23, I missed that at first) you’re hopefully only a quarter through your life - and it’s the hardest quarter! When you’re young you have zero power over your life, you’re beholden to guardians, you’re not fully educated yet, all kinds of stuff. But as time goes on and you get older, you get to build onto that with anything you want! Like dude you’ve got a sci-fi talking computer in your hand right now that can teach you Chinese. Or hacking. Or do-it-yourself repairs. Or all KINDS OF STUFF! And as you learn different things you can combine them to create things that are truly yours and reflect who you are, entirely on your terms.
You 20 years from now can be a whole different animal if you want it. I am. I’m nearing 40, a suicide survivor, and I lived in rock bottom for a decade. My childhood isn’t quite what you’re describing, but it had real problems and I came out of it dysfunctional so take what you will of that.
Regardless, your value is what you make of it - and it’s a chart, not a number. If you really believe you don’t have value then I want you to write a list of things you’re good at. There’s something you can put down I’m sure. And then I want you to start adding to that list. I want you to learn a skill or improve your knowledge of something, a little by little. Maybe you check that list every week or two. It doesn’t have to be something you can make money at, or that anyone you know cares about - it just has to be a part of you that improved.
And when you see what you’ve added to that over a few months, you’ll see why you’re wrong - you can be loved, and you will be. Because you’re willing to grow, like any good organism. Right now you’re a plant that hasn’t been watered, it’s kept out of the sun, and the soil is weak. BUT IF WE TEND TO YOU, YOU WILL BE MIGHTY! Maybe you’ve always got a spot on a leaf - that just shows where you came from, what you overcame, and you’ll be loved all the more for it.
So please, stick around. Grow with me.