My boyfriend of a decade and a half told me he had been suspecting I had it for awhile. He had been suspecting it for years. Just never said anything because we were managing pretty well and he didn’t want to throw a bomb into my life unless it was necessary.

When he told me, I was in the middle of having a mental breakdown over my inability to focus at work. He told me he felt I deserved to know because he hated how hard I was on myself and he wanted me to understand that I couldn’t help it.

It changed a lot for me when he said it. In a way it felt like something clicked into place, sort of. I have since spent a little over a year learning about ADHD and understanding what my symptoms are and where I am similar or different to the listed symptoms.

I have tried to get a referral twice. First time the doctor I saw refused to give me one and instead acted very inappropriately with me. The other time I got my referral from another doctor, who was more professional and then I just kinda stopped the process from there. I tried to find a psychiatrist, but it was very overwhelming and the system was very disorganized and confusing to use so I couldn’t. I also found out that apparently this whe thing is extremely sensitive to me and the few times I managed to find phone numbers to call, I would start crying uncontrollably and being unable to call anyone because I was so embarrassed about my emotional outbursts.

I decided I would look into it later when I was in a better place mentally, but everytime I have even tried to take a step into getting diagnosed since then, I become very emotional. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s very embarrassing. I am also extremely terrified of being humiliated. I dont have the best experiences seeking help for mental health stuff so I’m very scared of going through something like that again. And to put myself in a situation where someone is literally there to question my life experiences and determine if they are valid or not. That just fucks with me in ways I can’t describe, so while I would really love to be officially diagnosed, I am just too scared of the emotional toll the process would take on me. My boyfriend feels the same way. It was one of the reasons he didn’t tell me about his suspicions at first.

So for now I’m living my life with the knowledge that I probably have some form of ADHD and I try to be a bit more forgiving of myself when I mess up and I try to embrace the parts pf me I tried to erase my whole life. In that sense, it has helped me a lot. Even if it isn’t ADHD, it does help to keep in mind that I have always done my best and that my best just isn’t as good as most people’s average.

Memes and posts about what happens when you have autism made me think “wait isn’t that what everyone does?” Even then I thought what difference it makes knowing since I’m in my thirties and been working fine all this time.

Just took some tests, and it turns out I might be slightly on the spectrum. The first one I took was the raads and I got surprised to actually be above the threshold since I thought that most of my answers were what is normal. Then I took a couple more tests and even if I’m below the threshold is just by one or two points.

Even then I was like yeah that’s not a big deal, besides some questions on the tests seem to need an update. But as I read more it seems to explain my behavior and difficulty to finish projects. So it may help to see a professional to help me determine the root issues and help me improve.

All the memes and TikTok videos really started to make me realize not everyone does this. Then a friend I did Adderall with recreationally in high school reached out to me and was like “hey remember when we did Adderall and we’re like dude this is so boring I don’t feel high at all then we just did all the stuff we had been putting off? Yeah, I just got diagnosed, you probably should too.” That drove it home for me lol.

Basically all the memes hit very close to home, all the ADHD lived experience posts, all the physical symptoms lists, all the childhood signs for inattentive ADHD. Everything fit. Delayed sleep schedule? My best sleep hours are 2:30-11:30 am. Always hated waking up for school, always chose to work either at night or late afternoon. Very sensitive to rejection. Was drinking a monster every day on my way to work and yawning all day anyway. Could always sleep, no matter when or where, when the pandemic started and I was home and not working for the first 6 weeks and I slept 16 + hours a day, every day, for the entire 6 weeks, but never felt any more rested. I’d pass out during moving and shows if I was the slightest bit disinterested. Did cocaine once as a dumb 20-something, had the most relaxing evening ever, I thought we’d been given dud stuff. Time is functionally meaningless to me when evaluating the length tasks take.

It was just endless, every time I heard of a new ADHD symptom it hit HARD, especially the ones describing childhood for ADHD girls. I’m also pretty damn sure I’m autistic so, there’s also that.

My partner suspected it like a decade ago, pandemic rolled around, masking got harder. Started with my current therapist, who has ADHD, they worked with me exploring why I thought I may and helped me navigate diagnosis, seeing others lived experiences was big and is why I’m open about it at work and otherwise.

Had my preliminary consult with my psych and was given an eval that I passed with flying colours. Looking back, I check lots of boxes, I failed a course in uni because I got stressed and binged wow as an outlet, loss of structure hit me hard going from highschool. Courses I wasn’t interested in I had a hard time investing in. My masking at work didn’t do great for my mental health or personal life, food & alcohol were the drugs I used (incidentally vyvanse is used for binge eating disorder as well), hit financial issues from impulse spending. I’ve written about my experience with that in the past, was not a good time in my life (mentally or physically) but I’ve worked through it (with therapy) so it’s a chapter I don’t want to repeat.

I went through stages of acceptance after my diagnosis, which is totally normal, I’d get frustrated realising how much of my behaviour is linked to my ADHD, either directly or as a coping mechanism. Was annoyed initially I got the diagnosis in my 30s but hey, can’t change the past and I wouldn’t be who I am without my experiences. I’ve still got work to do and maladaptive coping mechanisms to unpack, but hey it’s a journey and diagnosis was absolutely vital, I’m super grateful to my partner for really pushing me towards it, they’re also nd so we help support each other.

I was listening to a podcast about it. I was especially tuned into it because my new stepson was diagnosed long ago, and I thought it should help me understand what I was getting into. I really enjoyed the speaker, so I bought his book for more info.

In the book, I learned all about “inattentive type” which I had never heard of before. As he described the characteristics of inattentive, I was trying to figure out how that was any different from normal, and then it hit me:

I actually have no idea how a normal brain works.

I’ve not yet been able to get a diagnosis, but it’s mainly seeing myself in those memes, reading into it and realising this might be what I’ve struggled my whole life with.

Realized that something was wrong with me as I couldn’t study or do things that I need to do, still don’t have my diagnosis tho

I’ve always had something wrong with me. The various diagnoses never fit and treatments didn’t do much. After making progress with my depression, I reaffirmed that it’s a result of my struggles, not the cause of them. So I stopped taking my meds, which never helped anyway.

At least, not how I expected. All my life, the mental fog and feeling scatterbrained was just normal. Even when starting Wellbutrin, it was mixed with other medications and ramped up so slowly that I never noticed the difference it made. But suddenly going without, I realized … oh, this has gotta be ADHD. So I got diagnosed and I’m seeing where that leads me.

It’s been a long road, and more difficult than most. But maybe soon it’ll finally get a little easier.

Mom took me to the doctor when I was like a toddler and having sleeping problems or something and the doctor decided I had ADHD and tried prescribing meds (which my mom refused). Not sure when I learned about this though and if I already thought I probably had ADHD before I found out. I certainly remember one of my friend’s dad commenting about how I couldn’t sit more than other kids when I was like 7yo.

My boomer parents shared some boomer comedy video about “pensioner adhd” or something, with an old lady trying to send a letter and being continually distracted, forgetting what she’s doing and starting a new task, again and again. They were laughing and saying how that’s what it’s like when you get old, and I genuinely didn’t understand, “that’s just what my life is like”.

That, coupled with life long education / career problems that ended with me signed off work for longer and longer stretches I finally spoke to a professional about it…

I knew it since 30 years ago, but got officially diagnosed at 52 or so.

Well I’d kind of known since forever in a “ha ha, but everyone feels like that though, right?” way. Then some ADHD memes randomly came up on Youtube, and I realized that it was me, exactly. The same thing happened with egg_irl a while earlier, and since doing something about that had made my life much better, I went to see a psychiatrist, who immediately agreed that I had ADHD and prescribed me some drugs.

It also didn’t help that I’m predominantly-inattentive type, which is apparently more common in women (surprise!)

My executive functioning fell off a cliff when a lot of externally enforced routines all stopped during Covid lockdowns. While watching YouTube it suddenly recommended a video describing what adhd can look like in adults. I looked into it more and am 99.99% sure. It explains so much about my whole life.

As I am not looking to get medicated and the waitlist for an official diagnosis is long I don’t see the point at the moment. Especially because I don’t feel like I need someone else to verify what I already know.

Reading adhd memes and realizing it was just me