https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/3297580

Well idk how to feel rn. I wrote her a handwritten letter and gave her 24 hours to either come over and have a follow up conversation or I’ll assume we’re over. (Had no intention of a break up)

Rn I’m in bed and she’s asleep next to me. We had a good conversation, we both apologised. I’m considering aaking my ex to delete the videos with me off the internet. No my gf didnt ask this of me and I didnt offee either, I might just do this myself, (I like my online privacy and dont have any social media account outside of this anyways).

I did a tonne of reassuring which I think did well. In person and in the letter. Promises were made on both ends.

Now for the bad part and I cannot believe Im putting this online, we just had the most disturbing sex ever. It would be normal in any other circumstance but for the fact that it was almost entirely what the video wth my ex was. This would still not be weird perhaps if there weren’t things we had never done before together.

So its new stuff and exactly what was in the video. This was creepy, was it not?? Maybe she thinks it’s things I like is my current assumption but idk. It’s been a while and my thoughts are rather scattered atm.

  • What was the point of this?
  • Do I bring this up?
  • How do I bring this up?
  • What do I even complain about here?
  • Is she actually fine now or is there still an issue?

Ps. Thank you for everyones takes on the first post. For anyone saying we’re to immature to be in a relationship, we might be immature but we wanna grow together and see where this takes us. Hopefully this is a forever kinda thing.

  • malloc@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    tldr: you say it’s getting better but it will probably get worse. Too many 🚩s to me. Cut her loose

    🚩” So my gf stalked my ex somehow … She finally told me she found my ex’s yt channel and watched every single thing on there.”

    So your current relationship went out of her way to deep dive into your past relationships? For what reason? Were you bragging about her? If not, this is some weird trust issues that your current “partner” has.

    🚩” Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.”

    A person digging into your personal items (especially a computer, phone) is unnecessary invasion of privacy. The erosion of trust has existed long before you and your current relationship met.

    Your “approval” is only a formality. My bet is that if you didn’t “approve” then she would find a way to get past it.

    🚩 “Now for the bad part and I cannot believe Im putting this online, we just had the most disturbing sex ever. It would be normal in any other circumstance but for the fact that it was almost entirely what the video wth my ex was. ”

    In her mind, she will never live up to your ex despite you vocalizing the opposite.

    Advice: cut her loose. This type of shit never goes away with time. The fact that she is emulating the adult video with your ex means she is competing with her. Despite what you tell her, in her mind she will never be enough. That jealousy never truly goes away. It may eventually turn into resentment or worse.

    • SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.comOP
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      1 year ago
      1. She stalked my ex due to insecurity/ curiosity, ended up seeing a lot of available videos of me and wanted to see me in them. She said as much herself.

      2. I allowed her to use my laptop however she saw fit and won’t be making assumptions on what could’ve been if I hadn’t.

      3. We all have our issues and red flags, I know I do, I’m sure you do too. We’re just 2 lost souls living in a fish bowl, year after year. You don’t have to accept every issue someone has, but I believe we can work through this.

      4. Even if the jealousy never fully goes away I hope we can grow to the point of this being more of a faint memory than a loud alarm in her head. I think time shall heal not hurt.

      • dakku
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        1 year ago

        Love the “let’s work it out” attitude, but along the road please consider going to a professional. Therapy works wonders and from your post she needs it. There seems to be a lot of reassuring going on and that gets exhausting fast.

        • angrystego@lemmy.world
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          1 year ago

          Just a reminder that going to a professional therapy is not an option in many places and social classes around the world, even in developed countries quality mental health care is not always accessible.

      • malloc@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        The fact that you are here asking for advice indicates some concern. Minimizing the issue does not help. When a person tells you who they are through their actions (invasion of personal privacy and devices, “stalking” ex-gf, mimicking ex-gf adult video), that tells you much more than what they voice.

        Time doesn’t heal these issues. It only buries it. Eventually it resurfaces and possibly at the worst moment.

        As another poster suggested, if you truly love this person then she should seek professional help.

      • jjjalljs@ttrpg.network
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        1 year ago

        Lol my dude she stalked your ex. Run away. That’s not normal or healthy. There are many people out there who wouldn’t do that.

  • BarqsHasBite@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Hey this is great news.

    Is she actually fine now or is there still an issue?

    Ok. This is the start of your communication. I think she wanted to “claim” those acts with you. So no she is not fine where you can continue on without addressing it more. I this is the start of communicating about sex, your relationship, and yes the act of copying sex acts. Don’t push it, let things settle, but open the conversation about what you’re both into and why. I say give it awhile to let her bring it up, but if she doesn’t I think you should in maybe a month. It’s much healthier to discuss than to not, but this is a delicate topic.

  • A_Wild_Zeus_Chase@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    If she initiated these new things, then I think you’re right that she thinks you like them, and doesn’t want to lose you over her not being willing to do them.

    First, get things straight in your own head about would you like to have done any of those things with her if you had not seen the video?

    Then, once you have an idea about what you like or don’t, tell her something like “hey, while (the things you like) I do like and would like to keep doing, if it’s ok with you, (the things you don’t like) were her idea, and I don’t want you to feel like it’s something we have to do together because it’s not something I particularly enjoy. I much prefer (doing this thing you two did together, that your ex didn’t do).” Even if that thing is just holding hands after or something like that, not necessarily kinky.

    The main thing to remember is that you’re her first, so she has no frame of reference to compare you too, whereas you have an ex that she’s worried she’s being compared to.

    So just let her know that your happy with how the relationship is, and exactly what you said at the end of your post, that you want to grow together and view this as the relationship of not just your present, but far in the future as well, so she shouldn’t have any concerns.

  • Throwaway@lemm.ee
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    1 year ago

    Congtats man! Its probably going to be weird for a bit, but you two got past the worst bit.

  • too_much_too_soon@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    What was the point of this? The disturbing sex? More insecurity and perhaps a desire to “own” it or an effort to rewrite your history. She makes the most recent memory of doing this stuff with her. This is now the predominant memory when you think about that sex.

    Do I bring this up?

    Depends, I guess. I’d want to know if she has gotten this out of her system or if this is just the start of it. I can’t believe she has just purged her insecurities just like that. Make-up sex is hardly likely to have changed some basic personality flaws. You’re hardly likely to get the real answers you want either.

    Is she actually fine now or is there still an issue?

    I reckon there is still an issue. She might have gotten some of it, much of it, out of her system. But as they say, forewarned is forearmed.

  • rufus@discuss.tchncs.de
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    1 year ago

    She’s probably comparing herself to your ex. And perhaps unsure if what she saw is what you want and doesn’t know why your relationship is different.

    Reassure her. Tell her you love her and there is a reason why you’re with her and not your ex. Try and find a way to deal with her feelings together. There is no way for her to ‘unsee’ that video. But you need to find a way to handle this.

    I’d say that video isn’t bad per se. It’s no secret people had sex with their ex partners. And not every partner needs to look and behave like the partner before. It’s just unfortunate she had to watch it. And it’s different for both of you. For you it’s happened in the past and the video is just a reminder. Your brain processed this a long time ago and sent it to long-term memory. For her it’s new information and something that ‘happened’ just now. At least that’s probably how a brain handles new images. She still needs to process it. And in the context of your current relationship.

    Be kind to her. She’s 0% at fault. Talk and listen. See what’s bothering her and what you can do about that. Make sure to also communicate your feelings. For example if she’s unsure and having doubts about what each of you likes during sex.

    Think about what you want out of that relationship.

    And don’t give ultimatums when dealing with adults. But that’s only my personal opinion.

  • adam_y@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Ps. Thank you for everyones takes on the first post. For anyone saying we’re to immature to be in a relationship

    Literally no one said this. You said this before there were any comments at all. There were no takes when you wrote this.