This article is inspired by a Youtuber Caitlyn V who is a sex coach. I’ve watched some of her videos and I find them to be very informative, especially about sex. I’ll link it here below
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agscWsru7Gk&ab_channel=CaitlinV
She actually goes onto explain how not having sex for a long time can contribute to problems on mental health, emotional health, etc.
The second half of her video has the solutions to these problems and the last point is one I want to expand on. The first 2 solutions was to 1. Create feel good chemicals by exercising, eating healthy, leaning on trusted friends, etc and the 2. one is fuck yourself (not regular masturbation where you race to ejaculation, but slowly taking your time with it.). The third suggestion is where I take issue with and it’s getting a sex worker.
Note I have nothing against sex work. I believe sex work is work and there’s nothing wrong with getting it. My issue with this point is the way I believe society is set up to profit off of lonely and sexually frustrated men.
Paying for sex work is very expensive, like you have to be making the kind of money where the cost to even get these services are casual at best. Even if there are cheap option, I don’t believe many men out there feel they should have to pay for experiences just to feel wanted.
Think about it this way. When you go outside to try to make friends, or to try and talk to a woman you find attractive, you notice how cold and distant people treat you in social places. In the first initial meeting, you’re treated as a potential predator that has to prove himself to be a good person first, and even after you passed the test, you need to be mindful of not making her feel uncomfortable, and make having sex with them feel completely natural. It’s also on you to make the sure interactions you lead the interactions in a way to keep her around, and basically really sell yourself. Couple that with the expectation society has for the man to be the pursuer, all of these things make a very daunting experience for men.
Men don’t have a lot of options when it comes to dating and when they to have the opportunity, are expected to make sure it goes well. This setup creates a very convincing need for sex work, with a high demand of it coming from men because their basic needs aren’t being met consistently.
I believe there needs to be a better solution rather than spending money on experiencing intimacy via sexual services. The most obvious way would be to stop demonizing men at a very ridiculous level, especially at the first meet, but most people on the left space don’t like that idea cuz ‘safety’ and ‘patriarchy’ so obviously getting to a point where we don’t do that is gonna take a long time, we need better short term solutions that doesn’t cost money for that. Sexual services are fine when you get them here and there, not when it becomes a potentially long-term thing (I’ve known men who consistently get sex through prostitutes)
One of the solutions offered by Aba and Preach would be a solution I would offer in helping with this situation as well, mostly short-term.
https://youtu.be/P22ZpncT8B4?t=738
Now they’re saying not to approach women and I don’t think most women put men that approach them on blast that regular, but that’s perfectly valid given the society we’re living in. Me personally, I’ve done a lot of approaching and have been very experienced in it and I haven’t been blasted on media, but this is because I gauge most situations I have going in. The process of learning it today is fucking hard so one slip up in an unlucky situation can turn your life upside down if you get blasted on social media.
Other solutions?
Read books and websites on people skills so you can work on talking to people. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve all had natural experiences with talking to people, so I’m not implying you’re all very socially inept that can’t hold a conversation. I think a lot of the guys here actually have no problem with conversation, especially when talking to women. But maybe you don’t have the kind of friends you do like having around, or maybe you don’t have any afab friends or maybe you do, but again not the ideal person you want in your life. I’m mostly recommending this because if you want to have control over your own life and build better relationships, people skills are crucial. So the next time you’re in a situation where you want to make friends with certain people or talk to a woman you find attractive, you know have the experience backed up to do it
Read books on dating material so you can make up for a lack of experience. However, this bit is very tricky as there’s a lot of toxic dating advice out there. I got proper sources of healthy dating advice if you want my suggestion message me.
Next step is practicality. For social skills, go to a hobby-based group or club and put what you learned to the test. Preferably a new one, as if you’re in an old group, they probably have a set image of you and depending on that, maybe harder to break out of. Finding a new social setting will give you a fresh start if this is the case. For practicing dating skills, I would highly recommend speed dating. Now don’t expect to actually get dates from speed dating. In fact, as a man if you wanna find a date via speed dating, you’re gonna be spending money for a long time. Instead, use them to practice your skills. Each date you have last up to 5 minutes so you have a very short timeframe to work with, but this is perfect as you get to work on initiating conversations and internalizing body language signals being sent out, and you’ll be ‘dating’ multiple people in one setting so you have a lot of volume to work with for one night. This is to help improve your skills quickly, arming you with enough knowledge and experience to navigate life with a prepared lens.
Now the article is written from the perspective of someone that hasn’t gone to any sexual services and don’t really plan to. Has anyone gone to get sexual services? What was it like going there? Do you agree it to be a solution for guys problem with a lack of sex?
I think ideally, you would have some sort of psychologist on staff to lead interviews and then probably either a specific department who only deal with SA cases or maybe if it’s very spread out in rural you could do like a shared scheme state wide, or some thing? They were only deal with SA cases and would be subject to a higher levels of, like, civilian review to make sure they aren’t just ignoring people or sandbagging it, and then I think the civilian review should probably employ their own psychologist to maybe review the interview or maybe conduct a separate interview that way no one just gets dismissed out of hand? And in cases where police are the apparent perpetrators, the case should be kicked up to the FBI(or equivalent, some state/federal police), and still be subject to the civilian review process. Though honestly at this point, I fell like my answer is “simply improve society” and I’m not sure how helpful it is.
As for the feminism thing, I’m gonna be honest, I Rhode Island, a really solid first draft of a reply, and then I noticed a dripping sound in my apartment (it’s been really stormy where I have been lately) so I went to investigate and I found my living room window is leaking water from the top(?!?) of the window so I tabbed out to take a picture to submit for maintenance request (because this is only the second month that I’ve been here and I am not gonna be responsible for water damage, ya know?) and when I came back I had lost my comment because I guess I didn’t post it like I thought I had, so I had to re-write everything down mostly from memory. So I probably meant when you put it around patriarchy up in your original post but I could’ve honestly misremembered and thought you put it around feminism at some point. I’m not sure if the etiquette would be to go back and edit my comment to remove that or to leave it for posterity because you are correct when you called me out on it? So I guess I’ll just leave it?
I agree that it’s hard to talk about these things without being lumped together with the worst of your respective sides degenerates, there are rabid misogynists and misandrists both. I think the best thing we can do is to make sure our feedback is constructive instead of destructive, and to be careful and considerate when having discourse on the subject (something I have apparently failed to do, considering my many mistakes in this discussion(and isn’t that super interesting, I actually kind of feel less embarrassed by my mistakes because I feel this is a discussion rather than an argument)). And as for extremism, I think it’s a very human reaction for society to, like, swing back-and-forth a few times before finding a happy medium and so I think society just hasn’t caught up with stuff like this. In my opinion, there are good indicators that we’re moving towards that, like the statistics on how Men are changing diapers at greater rates as opposed to in the 60s and 70s, and all those memes about how dads can’t repair stuff but at least can hug their kids, etc., but I’m not sure how one would really help it along. Maybe get groups together to write big bills on men’s and women’s issues, call them human rights reform bills, and lobby for them collectively? Otherwise I think all we can do is 1: our best, and 2:wait for society to catch up