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I’ve been feeling the same way a lot recently. The only social media I have left is snapchat, and that’s purely because I have a 1000+ day streak with a friend that I feel obligated to maintain. Every now and then I’ll wind up on whatever they call their doomscrolling video platform and it feels like fifteen minutes of my life just vanishes into thin air. And whenever I close it, I’m vaguely pissed off and my eyes hurt, but the slight boredom that incentivized me to go there in the first place is still hanging around, so I just feel restless and dissatisfied. It’s frankly exhausting. I’m in the “this sucks and I don’t want to do this anymore but I’m going to do it anyway and be mad about it” phase of my internet addiction and just haven’t quite found the right combination of other habits to prevent me from wandering into those corners of the internet when I don’t have anything to do for more than two minutes.
I didnt realize until I was in my early 20s. In hindsight, I had a few little crushes before that, but it was easy to tell myself “well, I like women, so obviously I’m not gay” while conveniently forgetting that bisexuality exists.
I was on a hiking trip with my best friend of a few years and he jokingly suggested we cuddle in his hammock shortly after we set up camp for the evening. I got a little flustered from it, enough to realize that the feelings I had for him were more than just bros being bros. Luckily he was only half joking when he suggested it, because I took him up on the offer and thats how he became my boyfriend.