Hi all! I’m a trans woman who’s known since I was a kid. My classmates brought up the topic of being trans once in class, and I remember mentioning my desire to “maybe become a woman when I grow up”, as I put it. I can’t remember the reaction clearly, but I must’ve been pretty put off since I didn’t attempt to talk about it for quite a while after.
Fast forward to me being about 14. I get a deep episode of dysphoria and instead of hiding away like I usually would, I go to my mother, entirely pale in the face. We talk a bit in private and the only thing I can get out of my mouth is that I don’t feel like a boy. She takes it as me not feeling like I live up to the gender norms and tries to solve that. Meanwhile I can’t keep talking. My brain stops producing words at all and I just can’t say anything.
This happens a lot of times over the years every time my mother asks me to buy new clothes for myself, every time the same complete shutdown. I really just want to continue working this out, and I’m in desperate need of new clothes, since I haven’t bought any in years. I hate buying men’s clothes, but if I continue boy-moding when I go back home, I’d have to buy new ones.
Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. I’m running on practically no sleep so I apologize if this is wordy, or unclear in any way. I just need to be done with this.
From the outside, being cis, I can only report what worked for people that I know.
Two things seem to be consistent among the trans, and gay/queer people I’ve known that came out over the years.
The first is that it gets easier every time you do it, the second is that memory and imagination can help that along.
It doesn’t seem to matter whether someone comes out via writing, or in person, or over the phone/camera. Having done it before with safety and good results helps a person have something to focus their mind on to give them confidence that, no matter how it actually turns out, they’re loved, respected, and valued by the people in their lives.
It can help to have an “outing” buddy ready. Not necessarily to be right there with you, if that’s not appropriate, but someone that is present and ready with support and love, even if it goes perfectly. If you have even an ally available, rather than a friend or partner, it can be a big help to know there’s someone out in the car ready to whisk you away, or whatever you arrange for. Again, that is useful no matter how good things go. You have a way to ensure that you can take a break when needed. Coming out can be very emotionally taxing when it’s fully supported and loving in response. It can be overwhelming enough that you might want to go home and relax sooner rather than later.
The process of setting things up with a friend/ally/partner also helps you ready your heart and mind to show the true you with less fear. This actually works for a lot of things tbh, not just coming out. Practice what you want to say, if it’s going to be verbal. If you’re writing, it’s great to have more than one pair of eyes on it, if you aren’t sure about how to phrase things.
If you don’t have an ally locally, reach out online. There’s plenty of people under the rainbow that will try to help, even if it’s just being on the other end of a phone. There’s plenty of folks that will support you even though they aren’t in the same situation because they, we, want you to be safe and happy, and able to be yourself in every way. Everyone deserves that, and I can almost guarantee someone would be your phone buddy with a little planning. Shit, I would, if it came to that, assuming some scheduling discussion ahead of time.
And, hey, do it in your own time and way. There’s practical considerations, of course, but it’s okay to move toward it slowly, or quickly, as needed. When you’re ready, you’re ready.
Thanks <3
I get some mixed signals from my parents, but I think they’re generally supportive. My mother has misgendered some trans celebrities on occasion, but this may just be down to change being tough.
I’m looking to shop for some clothes, and I might ask a cis woman I know for tips, who I also know is supportive of her other trans friends. I’ve discussed queerness before and helped her realize she was bi when talking through it. Kinda make it a two-in-one, coming out and getting clothes I actually like. She’s also been quite supportive of my gender non-conformity before, so I think she could be a good ally :)