Hi all! I’m a trans woman who’s known since I was a kid. My classmates brought up the topic of being trans once in class, and I remember mentioning my desire to “maybe become a woman when I grow up”, as I put it. I can’t remember the reaction clearly, but I must’ve been pretty put off since I didn’t attempt to talk about it for quite a while after.
Fast forward to me being about 14. I get a deep episode of dysphoria and instead of hiding away like I usually would, I go to my mother, entirely pale in the face. We talk a bit in private and the only thing I can get out of my mouth is that I don’t feel like a boy. She takes it as me not feeling like I live up to the gender norms and tries to solve that. Meanwhile I can’t keep talking. My brain stops producing words at all and I just can’t say anything.
This happens a lot of times over the years every time my mother asks me to buy new clothes for myself, every time the same complete shutdown. I really just want to continue working this out, and I’m in desperate need of new clothes, since I haven’t bought any in years. I hate buying men’s clothes, but if I continue boy-moding when I go back home, I’d have to buy new ones.
Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. I’m running on practically no sleep so I apologize if this is wordy, or unclear in any way. I just need to be done with this.
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Sorry if this is a dumb suggestion, but have you considered writing out what you want to say on a note and handing it to them? Coming out is hard, mine involved me blurting at my mother, flashing her, and running off. I guess I’m saying it doesn’t have to be perfect, as long as you do it when you feel ready.
I’ve never flashed my mum, however I think I have a similarly silly story. My coming out to her was quite hard and we didn’t speak for a few years, that context is important because she didn’t see the changes until after they had all happened.
Anyway, fast forward to the second time seeing her again in person. I went out for dinner with her back in my hometown, and brought my girlfriend along. We were back at my mum’s having some drinks out on the back deck, and I excused myself to the spare bedroom because I desperately needed to take my bra off, which had heavy underwire. Now, my mum is particularly well endowed, and while I pale in comparison I’m still fairly big for a trans femme (DD/E cup). I needed to go to the toilet but I stopped back past the deck, waggled my tits in her direction and said “I guess I have you to blame for these two back problems” and walked off back inside.
Apparently my girlfriend and step-dad were laughing their heads off while my mum turned beet red 😂
I don’t live with them since last fall, but I go back on occasion. Getting the space to just exist in my own home has given me room to start validating my own identity as trans. I have thought about it, and I’ll probably start writing up something tomorrow to send to them. I feel like I have a lot of mental inertia, which I have to overcome. I’ve hid this for 11 years, if not longer, with occasional blips of just not being able to do it and not feeling understood as a result. Overcoming this inertia by re-engaging with it has been hard, because I get really anxious every time I have to confront it, but doing breathing exercises, listening to trans-affirming ASMR, and meditating feels like it’s helping.
As a cis mom who came here from All, I agree with the suggestions of writing to your mom. If you want to email or text, type it out, make all the changes you think you want, and send it to yourself first. Then you’ll probably have another edit or two when you read it. After that you can copy paste it into a message to her and send it. Then it’s only fair to give her some time to figure out how to reply to you. A delay isn’t necessarily a bad sign, it can mean she’s trying to find the best words to show support and love. And since she’s gotten the wrong end of the stick already, it’s going to take her a minute to wrap her head around how wrong she was. She may still fail you. But at least in writing you both give each other the space to complete your thoughts.
I remember asking my parents for a therapist via sticky note because I couldn’t bring myself to ask in person. More recently I felt extremely awkward asserting pronouns, so I just said them and left the room.
Some strategies to consider:
- Writing. Perhaps not great for back-and-forth, but certainly good for saying what you need to say
- Texting or instant messaging. Like writing, but allows easier back-and-forth
- Prerecorded message
- Explaining to someone else and using them as your courier
You don’t need to be successful on the first try, it might take several. It took me a while to find something I could do. I liked the more distant approach to start, and now I’m starting to get comfortable talking to my family in person about it. The distant-the-getting-closer thing actually describes all my interactions with my family since coming out; I needed the room, and now I’m blossoming and feeling comfortable with them, it’s worked well for me.
From the outside, being cis, I can only report what worked for people that I know.
Two things seem to be consistent among the trans, and gay/queer people I’ve known that came out over the years.
The first is that it gets easier every time you do it, the second is that memory and imagination can help that along.
It doesn’t seem to matter whether someone comes out via writing, or in person, or over the phone/camera. Having done it before with safety and good results helps a person have something to focus their mind on to give them confidence that, no matter how it actually turns out, they’re loved, respected, and valued by the people in their lives.
It can help to have an “outing” buddy ready. Not necessarily to be right there with you, if that’s not appropriate, but someone that is present and ready with support and love, even if it goes perfectly. If you have even an ally available, rather than a friend or partner, it can be a big help to know there’s someone out in the car ready to whisk you away, or whatever you arrange for. Again, that is useful no matter how good things go. You have a way to ensure that you can take a break when needed. Coming out can be very emotionally taxing when it’s fully supported and loving in response. It can be overwhelming enough that you might want to go home and relax sooner rather than later.
The process of setting things up with a friend/ally/partner also helps you ready your heart and mind to show the true you with less fear. This actually works for a lot of things tbh, not just coming out. Practice what you want to say, if it’s going to be verbal. If you’re writing, it’s great to have more than one pair of eyes on it, if you aren’t sure about how to phrase things.
If you don’t have an ally locally, reach out online. There’s plenty of people under the rainbow that will try to help, even if it’s just being on the other end of a phone. There’s plenty of folks that will support you even though they aren’t in the same situation because they, we, want you to be safe and happy, and able to be yourself in every way. Everyone deserves that, and I can almost guarantee someone would be your phone buddy with a little planning. Shit, I would, if it came to that, assuming some scheduling discussion ahead of time.
And, hey, do it in your own time and way. There’s practical considerations, of course, but it’s okay to move toward it slowly, or quickly, as needed. When you’re ready, you’re ready.
Thanks <3
I get some mixed signals from my parents, but I think they’re generally supportive. My mother has misgendered some trans celebrities on occasion, but this may just be down to change being tough.
I’m looking to shop for some clothes, and I might ask a cis woman I know for tips, who I also know is supportive of her other trans friends. I’ve discussed queerness before and helped her realize she was bi when talking through it. Kinda make it a two-in-one, coming out and getting clothes I actually like. She’s also been quite supportive of my gender non-conformity before, so I think she could be a good ally :)
No advice from me - just want to say your feelings are valid and it’s not abnormal or bad to have trouble discussing such a deeply personal, vulnerable thing.
I guess just please don’t beat yourself up over it too hard; it’s perfectly understandable to have nerves about such things, and that manifests how you’re describing in a lot more people than you’d think.
Sending internet stranger love, you are valid and I hope you find a path to happiness. You’ll find a solution to this and one day you’ll be the beautiful girl you feel inside, I know it! 💕💜
Thank you for all your wonderful responses! I’ll probably need to digest them a bit. I’m doing work on just normalizing the thought to myself, gonna try to write up a draft to send to my parents. <3
