“I know this sounds horrible, but do you know how hard it is not to have ill feelings toward a kid? How hard it is not to be upset at Jaxon? Do you know how hard it is?” she had asked the night before. “I have no one to blame. I can’t blame my kid. I can’t blame God because it’s inappropriate. I have nobody to blame. I have no outlet as far as taking out my anger, so I use my family and my fiance as a punching bag.”
In the car now, she turns the volume up so loud that conversation with her boyfriend becomes impossible. She grips the wheel tightly, looks straight ahead and mouths the words of a song as she steers a car that has, among other things, a loaded gun in the glove box. It’s a 9mm — the same caliber that killed Kimi — but while her anger bothers her, guns don’t. She doesn’t feel nervous around that gun or any other gun. She’s more scared of not having one. She still has a child to raise, and what if there’s an intruder, and that intruder has a gun, and she doesn’t? How would she recover from that? How could she live knowing she could have protected Jaxon but had decided she was too afraid to have a gun?
Jesus, how do you go through an experience like that and still maintain the same attitude and behaviour? They haven’t changed a thing, they’ve still got guns lying around the house.
“I know this sounds horrible, but do you know how hard it is not to have ill feelings toward a kid? How hard it is not to be upset at Jaxon? Do you know how hard it is?”
It should really not be hard at all. As a matter of fact it shouldn’t even cross your mind. Your father killed your daughter by negligence. Be mad at him. Be mad at your boyfriend who leaves a loaded gun in his car door. And be mad at yourself for being that much of an ammosexual you’d rather blame you toddler for killing his sister than admit you might have a gun problem in your goddamn family.
I know CPS sucks in the USA but nonetheless I hope CPS monitors how things are going with Jaxon and his nutcase of a mom.