hello
just got my neuropsychological evaluation results:
- level 1 asd
- turbo adhd
- eating disorder (more specifically, pica syndrome)
also a bunch of other things that aren’t disorders themselves (neuroticism is the only one i can remember)
honestly, the primary feeling to me coming out of this diagnosis is “it’s not my fault i’m a total mess”. i thought the asd diagnosis would be more validating, but the fact that i’m in the 99 percentile in a lot of aspects of adhd really validates how i felt about this shit being really hard for me but easy for other people. it really flipped my perspective from “jfc i can’t get my shit together” to “holy shit, how am i still alive and able to earn a living while living 1000 miles away from my family??”
i’m not gonna let this justifying not even trying to be better, but it makes me more assured that i am really trying my best, that failures will happen, and that i should be kind to myself and honest about my limitations
also, i bought a dishwasher and my depression has been cured. why wasn’t i told about this before?
anyway, hello
Hello friend!
The more we know about ourselves the stronger we are. If you better understand your difficulties and accept that they require work to accommodate instead of trying to suppress them you’ll have a better life.
Knowing about how shitty my memory is has led me to adopt aides (like task lists structured for my brain) and ask friends for help in ways that aren’t overly burdensome for them but are extremely empowering for me.
The understanding also really helped me with shame after losing my father - I just don’t think of stuff like others do so my grief was minimal during his memorial service and instead pops up when I think of an activity I’d like to share with him.
We’re built different (and, IMO, ADHD and ASD are way over broad so even among our community there’s a lot of differences). Figure out what the diagnosis means to you and use that understanding to build a better and more stable life.
Oh, and to address one way too common theme… just because you might be excellent or an overachiever in some metrics doesn’t deny you the right to ask for help.
When you need it, ask for help. Everyone needs help at some point.
asking for help is the hard part, exactly because of the other “minor” things that were diagnosed. according to the evaluation, i display some schizoid traits in that i, for instance, have a very hard time opening up to other people, especially when i’m not feeling well, because i feel deeply that i’m bothering them and that they hate me for pestering them. the consequence is that, instead of looking for my friends when i’m feeling down and neglecting them when i’m feeling well, i only get in touch when i’m basically feeling fantastic (e.g. right now). any discomfort makes me immediately isolate myself for comfort
i feel like the formal diagnosis + meds + therapy are going to help me with that, but it also feels like it’s always gonna be a struggle