So long story but I grew up in kinda a toxic environment, my father was the only sane person but he worked far away as an expat, and this made my mother irritated a lot as well, especially because of the nature of society we started living in, I really love her but she is kinda the standard conservative type so we don’t really have any meaningful interactions anymore, and most of my teachers were crappy as well, so I kinda got a bit insecure and shy overtime.
Fast forward after COVID and all of my old friends had left me, so I was alone for pretty much half a year, and then made some toxic friends out of desperation, which are still with me today.
Anyway after completing my junior high I worked a lot on my personality during my senior high school year 1 (this year), I started to try to put myself out in the world more (even though I normally hate unwanted social interactions), learning an instrument, going to the gym, I was always only met with criticism with my mother and my ‘friends’ (partly because I started taking them less and less seriously, which made them think I was ‘selfish’), but I pushed on, and I think at this point, I am satisfied with how I am as a person.
However there was one person that I think played passive role in all of this, my class teacher, this was really the second time ever I got a decent class teacher, but I wasn’t really worried because I also developed kind of a ‘fuck all’ attitude at this point, but halfway through the year I noticed more and more that it seemed like she was the only one keeping tabs on me and actually encouraging whenever I tried to start some sort of extra-circular activity in my school, she listened to my problems and helped me come to solution(s), encouraged/helped me to get stronger in my weak subject (which was taught by her), asked me when l was absent from an event I participated in and at this point, I think I have kinda developed a sense of respect for her.
I know there might be some sort of romantic reason as well or maybe a ‘crush’ but to be honest I never really felt that way the way I have ever felt about my crushes, instead of being awkward, I was comfortable (idk how much of that maybe to more confidence), and I never really had any sort of confession or any weird dreams like that, I just felt that there was finally a person who seemed like they would understand me (I know this a really immature part on my side, but can’t seem to help it)
Today was my last day in school for this session, and I have been feeling kinda heavy hearted ever since I came back from school, I still have a year left, but who knows what kind of Class Teacher I may get next year, it might be another narcissist a-hole and I really don’t want to say goodbye
Box of chocolates, and a card that thanks them for all they did for you.
And live well, Teachers spend their lives to educate and lift their students up, we owe it to them to take advantage of that and be the best we can be.
This seems like the way, I have kinda evolved into the ‘cards/chocolates for someone are cringe’ kind of person, but that seems like a really bad sentiment I gotta leave behind
Dude. I’m saying this as someone who as been in your position and only as time has gone on realized this really is true.
This isn’t about what’s cringe. This isn’t about what other people say after you do something. This person made your life better to the point you feel the need to show them your appreciation. If you think that standing on your chair and belting out a totally tone deaf version of their favorite song would make that person the happiest, then fucking do it and everyone who says something or makes fun of you just doesn’t understand or doesn’t have someone that they can feel that close to. You will forget the embarrassment, but knowing you told someone you cared about how much you appreciate them will never leave you.
Change my life is a strong statement, but definitely, I feel like we are in such a shortage of good and genuinely kind hearted people that when we see one, it could make us a much better and happier person, and acknowledging these kind of people should be a part of our basic moral attitude.
I feel like that this whole ‘cringe, alpha etc etc’ type of culture has made us so stone hearted (instead of k for kool) that we don’t appreciate people who are genuinely in a much higher standard and position than us, and who deserve our utmost respect, we are in a position (and I myself am guilty for it as you saw) where we shy away from giving someone who deserves something much more something as trivial as a chocolate because we are afraid we are ‘cringe’
She is a teacher, you giving her a card isn’t gonna crack the top 100 of cringey shit she has seen.
If you want to make a nice gesture for a woman and don’t want her misinterpreting it as romance, I’m not sure if chocolate is the right way to do that.
I was a little on the fence as well tbh, but decided that it wasnt too bad. Valentines chocolates would be bad, but a more generic box of nice chocolates less so? I think maybe its situational? Im a man though, so my opinion may not matter
Yeah I am confused a lot as well now lol
What else do you suggest?
Just the card. Maybe some less delicate candy, like turtles. Or homemade cookies.
I was thinking maybe a perfume? I can’t make cookies so that’s kinda out, and I don’t want to give some cheap candy…
Maybe some pens? But then again they have a million of those
Having been a teacher, I can say that, while chocolate is nice, it’s the note or letter they’ll remember.
Another thing one can do for a particularly helpful teacher is to write their principal a letter of appreciation to be included in their personnel file. But that has to be very carefully worded so it doesn’t accidentally imply any inappropriate behavior or favoritism. If you had a helpful and present parent it should come from them, but that’s not an option. So you’d probably better skip this one. But someone else might find it useful, for instance if they are a parent.
Periods and linebreaks.
Looks like I had a major brainfart lol
I’ll be honest, this is much better than what I could put out at your age, both in terms of writing and maturity/self introspection.
I added many high school teachers as friends on Facebook (I know, eww fb, puke puke social media) after I graduated, and it’s been a great way of keeping in touch with them.
Thanks a lot! I know that teaching high school kids is a hard job, but even in my middle and elementary school I could only point out like 4 teachers who I respected as person rather than just a teacher
Life at your age is hard. Keep your head pointed in the direction you want to go. If your friends don’t like it, let them go. They might find their way back when more time has passed but you will for sure find new friends.
Tell that teacher what they have meant to you, even if its just a card with a hand written note or something. They will never forget and you might be surprised how small the world is as you get older. Paths cross many times on our journey. That teacher might also be a good reference for you on your first attempt at a professional career.
Tbh she is a reference on how a person should be, I don’t need to tell how wild high school kids can be, but the amount of patience shown was out of this world, flaws exist but then again, who doesn’t have one? And I am pretty sure a lot of students toned down their aggression just due to pure respect
I had a teacher like that. I will never forget the lessons she gave me and I am almost 50 now. She had a hard life and after I was graduated her brother killed his family in way that made national news. I always thought she deserved better. You never know what will happen in life. Don’t waste the opportunity to tell people who have a special place in your heart how you feel. Sometimes there is no tomorrow.
You absolutely should say thank you and lay it out on the line. Honestly, what other person said, you’re at a point in your life that’s really hard. Brain still developing, coming into being a young adult. But teachers only go into that profession for the love of the game. More and more these days especially. It aint for the money! Tell them you appreciate their help, at least. Make their day :)
A thank you gift would be appropriate in my opinion. A chocolate and a hand written letter would make them remember you and make them at least a day(if not a year).
Edit: (take care to make it neat and tidy with deliberate calligraphy, it will show your personal feelings through effort that you have put in, better than any words can)
When you pour out the words of appritiation the feelings of grief will alleviate, and make it easier to go on and thrive
Also not all love is a romantic kind so it is all right to cherish the warmh of someone that cares about you.
Write a note (or email) (but a hand written letter usually feels more personal) to thank her for listening and helping you - you can be more specific than “helping me through some of my shit” but it really doesn’t need to be more elegant.
And go back to visit her, sometimes. I feel like that is kinda like saying hi to a friend as well as letting her see that you are doing okay - or if you’re not okay, it gives you an opportunity to chat like you used to. It can help to talk to someone who sees you. And you know where she stands.
Ask her for a letter of recommendation. Whatever you end up doing - whether college or job - you probably already know/see how having that could be useful for you. It can help open doors for you. It could also be another good way of telling her how much she affected your life.
Will you still be at the same school? It’s easy to swing by and chat now and again.
I’m sure she did all that for you because she’s one of the good teachers and expects absolutely zero back from you.
A simple note, and maybe a small gift (Chocolate as other mentioned is fine, but maybe a small permanent thing. if you shared your love of something with her, maybe something related?
but the note is probably the thing that will mean the most to her. Especially if you write it from the heart.
as for you and your changes. What a tremendous amount of growth you’ve exhibited here. You’ve clearly learned and improved yourself. your writing is very well done and thoughtful.
congrats on your personal growth. I am just an older dude on the internet (probably your dad’s age) and I can only say that based on what you’ve written here, I am proud of you.
Thanks a lot for those kind words, I was thinking maybe something like a perfume might be good as well?
I would stay away from perfumes and things that are heavily scented. you never know what allergies or reactions they might have to that. Also lots of people really find those things offensive.
unless you already know she likes a specific perfume, stick to something from the heart or simple like a nicer box of chocolate.
Romantic love is absolutely not the only form of love.
Love between a teacher and student has a specific word in many languages, and based on my conversations with teachers (as an adult) it’s probably reciprocated. Embrace it. Treat them like a family member and you’ll be fine.
You’re allowed to reach out to them. They’re not going to forget you anytime soon. Do it - they want to see you grow. Ask them for guidance. They haven’t died or forgotten you - they’re right there, and they want to teach you, personally
They can’t reach out to you though, they can only follow your progress from a distance. So reach out - tell them how they affected you and they’ll melt
It sounds like you’re afraid of any warmth coming from you being misinterpreted as hitting on your teacher.
Please don’t worry about this. I am so sorry that our society has tried to make you “good” by making you doubt yourself and your role this much.
You, as a man, are allowed to have warm feelings for people who aren’t sexual. The people who try to frame everything nice you do as you trying to get laid are wrong. You are a complex creature with the entire set of human emotions.
I can’t say for sure how you’ll be perceived. Some cultures are very fucked up and I can’t say for sure you aren’t embedded in one of those. But I encourage you to trust yourself, and not define yourself based on the least generous interpretation of your actions.
My advice is to send her a friend request, and tell her that you appreciate her being present to support you through some of the most difficult years of your life.
To those who try to frame it as you hitting on the teacher, I recommend you give both middle fingers with gusto.
Don’t take any guff from these swine, OP.
You sound like a great person working hard to build yourself a bright future. The best thing you can do for your teacher is to keep at it.
I used to teach (martial arts) and there’s nothing a good teacher loves more than to see a student applying themselves and growing - even if it’s outside of their subject (Though that’s nice too.)
Others’ advice here is spot on. You can love/respect/ appreciate someone in an entirely non-romantic way. That’s normal. I have teachers in my past that I still think about gratefully 30+ years later. Teacher-Student relationships can be very healthy mentorships, but due to the handful of pedos taking horrible advantage of the students in their care, it’s safest for students (and schools) to ban overt friendships. (And it is depressingly common. I was student to three teachers in three schools - in different states even - who were eventually arrested for abusing their students.)
So - to avoid accidentally getting your teacher in trouble - you should avoid using the L-word. But 100% write then a letter or note thanking them for their positive impact and encouragement.
For the rest - do your best to learn at school, even if you get a bad teacher and your old friends try to drag you down. It’s going to suck sometimes. You can do it. Do your best to keep learning, in or out of school. Everything you learn - from algebra to making a killer peach cobbler - will help you somewhere down the line.
I know because I’ve seen it firsthand.
My Dad came from an abusive household. (His dad liked to use baling wire as a switch.) By the end of his high school career, Dad was heavily into drinking, he’d lost multiple jobs by getting into fist fights with coworkers and was only on track to graduate because he lived in CA during a time where the school system literally refused to fail anybody. So Dad graduated with a D average and swore he’d never set foot in a school again.
… And then he decided he wanted to do better. At 18, he gave up his entire friend group and started hanging out with some people who were more like he wanted to be. It was awkward at first - he was coming from a very different perspective than these other dudes had. To their credit, they always included Dad and let him hang out with them. And slowly, Dad began to change. He mellowed out and quit drinking and fighting.
Dad worked in factories after high school. Eventually he and my Mom married and I came along. Dad worked a number of blue-collar jobs for the first years of my life. Iremember him saying though that when he had downtime at work, he made a point of going to other parts of the factory and asking to watch and learn their tasks. As a result, he survived a number of layoffs through the years and for those times he didn’t, Dad was often rehired at better pay in better roles shortly afterward.
Eventually, he tired of factory jobs and decided to return to school. To become a lawyer. That became the next 12 years of our lives. There were whole years where I’d see Dad only first thing in the morning at breakfast. He’d go to school all morning, work swing shift into the night and get home long after little I was already in bed.
It was an incredible amount of work. But he stuck to it.
I was sixteen when Dad finally graduated and became a lawyer. He’s a pretty damn good one too.
I’m definitely not saying you should become a doctor or lawyer or whatever - do what you want to - but please know that you don’t have to listen to people who want to drag you down. You can work hard and wring what you want out of life.
Surround yourself as much as you can with people who encourage and support each other. Learning that people can encourage and help each other purely for the pleasure of seeing the other pain succeed - that may be the best lesson you can learn from your teacher’s example. Lean into it. Find good people. Make yourself one too.
And you will do amazing things.
Thanks a lot! I understand why there is tension in these kind of relationships, because bad actors ruin everything, even one of them puts an entire community at risk
