Imagine being such a persecuted group in America that you get to blast spam mail to everyone in your community in the name of religion with no repercussions.
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Dear Yvonne,
Thank you for writing me and sharing what you claim to be valuable information, but I am not finding it all that valuable considering it’s a single line from your Bible telling me that an omniscient being can hear me. And I should think so too.
To answer your first question, I do not think any god listens to my prayers because I do not pray. Your second question makes no grammatical sense. I’m sorry, but I can’t answer it. Perhaps you should see if your god will grant you a better command of the English language.
I won’t be contacting you for your free Bible study, because I have never heard of Bible study that charges you money… So this kind of feels like a scam. Are you selling timeshares?
Sincerely,
Flying Squid
I was expecting something about my cars extended warranty at the bottom.
Awww, she’s blissed out. So cute. I wish they were all as harmless as her.
That’s a good point. It definitely can be worse.
Seriously, religion is a mental illness.
There’s a dude where I live that stands on a street corner reading the Bible out loud to nobody.
These people need therapy and medication.
Fuck off Yvonne
You should offer her a free punctuation class in return.
Call “Yvonne” with your number withheld, and tell her that you don’t want to receive anymore of those flyers. If she asks for your address, tell her to pray for an answer and hang up.
Respond back that you prayed to win the lottery and you actually did. Watch the mental gymnastics in full force after that.
Respond that Allah is generally more giving and watch the face contort.
Then sell your system as a class at $1k/ticket, and before you know it you’re the next big prosperity gospel leader
A tree died for this.
I get these too. It is best to ignore them because if you tell them you are anything but a Jehovah’s Witness, they will hit you stronger with letters. Return to sender will reenforce their desire to send you more too.
I know some people say to tell them some secret words about people getting kicked out of the Jehovah’s, but I find it hard to be mean to them. They are being coerced and guilted into it.
I’d still rather receive this than the 6 credit card offers I have to shred every week.
Plus another dozen credit card offers for previous tenants.
It’s so absurd. If you read these without knowing anything about a “bible” or a “John” it’s just rambling with an old timey accent.
“Pray and, if it’s something god already wanted to happen, god will grant your prayers!”
Hit ‘em with the ol’ Timothy 2:12
Ok, how about this. If God answers my prayers and allows me to win the lottery I pledge 50% of my winnings to a church of his choosing.
From what I understand God really, really needs money.
It only works if you ask for vague, non-specific things. For example, if you ask for patience, then feel more patient… that’s God! But if you feel more frustrated and less patient, that’s also God… teaching you patience by making life suck so you have to be more patient. And if nothing changes? You guessed it; God!
Woah, I’ve received two very similar letters as well. They came from a state that’s really far away so I’m not sure how they even got my name and address. Super concerning but also laughable that this was seen as a way to convert people….
