I was 8 years old when my uncle raped me. Forced me to sit down, told me not to tell anyone, because they wouldn’t believe me, and why would I want to put the family through that? He is my fathers identical twin, he said I would ruin my fathers relationship with him if I said anything.

I believed him. Didn’t think anyone would believe me, and I didn’t want to tattle, so I decided the best way to do it would be to act as sad as I felt, wait for my parents or teachers to ask what was wrong, and then I would tell.

I acted out for weeks, nobody noticed, nobody asked.

So, I decided that maybe they already knew, maybe they already beat him up, maybe I should just forget it ever happened and move on, try to enjoy my childhood. I forgot. I told myself to, remember telling myself to, even.

Decades later, $200k in student loan debt, struggling with addiction, suicidal thoughts, very uncomfortable and obtrusive sexual thoughts, I almost killed myself so. many. times.

Now I’m sober, in therapy, good job, stable-ish home environment living by myself, the memory came back.

Decided that I would confront him, decided that I would tell my parents first to get their support. They didn’t believe me. I drove across the country seeking to confront the bastard in person, my parents got wind of it and warned him to stay away, protecting him.

It’s been too long to seek actual charges in a criminal court, I was in the bottom of a bottle for almost a decade after the nightmares started.

There’s no hope for closure. No hope for an apology, an admittance, compensation, nothing. I get nothing. He ruined my life, and I get nothing.

I wake up thinking about killing myself most days.