I’m sorry if this is the wrong community for this, my problem is prob more from BPD or some other mental illness I have than directly autism, though depression and anxiety are common in autistic people. I posted in a BPD community but it’s pretty dead, I hope this isn’t too off topic for here, I just really need some advice on this and Idk who to ask besides my therapist.
My intrusive thoughts and mental state in general are a lot better now that I’ve had therapy and antidepressants for a few years, but one issue I still really struggle with is revisiting times when someone hurt me, intentionally or not, even if it’s a resolved situation I’m not still mad about, and getting mad about it again.
Below are two examples, you don’t need to read them but it might help explain my problem.
I did this a few months ago and drove away my fiance over a small mess she made in my place. She made it as a trauma response, we had a wonderful conversation about it after and I wasn’t upset at her at all. But I managed to make it a huge deal in my head later, and since she’d said before she wants me to clean my space better or let her help clean, I thought she was a hypocritical asshole. I verbally abused her over text and made an ultimatum, saying she had to apologize for it or I wouldn’t talk to her anymore. She left, blocked me on everything, and the engagement is off. We exchanged letters recently, and at least maybe we can still be friends again some day.
A more recent example is with my dad. I was trying to quit cigarettes and take a break from weed, so I asked him to hold onto my ID so I wouldn’t be tempted to get any since I’m kinda addicted and can’t control myself when I can get a fix. We went out and about for a doctor’s appointment next to a dispensary, and I was gonna be super proud of myself for not having gotten anything there. But my dad thought I might wanna get some weed, so he brought my ID. While he was getting weed, I spent 15 minutes wailing and trying to resist getting stuff, but I caved and got weed and cigs. I still feel really ashamed about my lack of self control, and I think that event really fucked with my mindset about quitting and made it a lot harder to try again. I don’t want to be mad at him, and I’ve already talked to him about it, but I’m trying to quit again, and I already struggle a lot more with intrusive thoughts like that while sober, but I’m having a really hard time not protecting my shame onto him. I don’t want to talk to him about it again, i think he already feels really guilty for sabotaging my quit and I don’t want to drag that back up.
Talking to the people I’m mad at about it can make me less upset, but I can’t just bring up old shit like that every time my brain makes me upset about it. With my fiance I should’ve just talked to her about how I felt and we could’ve worked through it together, but that isn’t the solution to most things like this, esp when they’re already resolved issues.
Tl;Dr I sometimes dredge up old memories of others hurting me and make myself upset about them again, and I really need a healthy way to deal with them other than just bottling it up or talking to them about it every time
K, this is what worked for me, so take or leave it as you see fit.
My brain did similar things, and just like water will take the path of least resistance, so did my brain … over and over and over again. So I decided that I’d had enough of the bs circle of death and would train my brain to go a different path.
Every time I recognized the nagging thought was there yet again, I forced my brain away from it, ie: thought of something good I’d done, or that someone had done for me, or what groceries I need to buy, etc etc. Anything to break my brain’s habit.
Now it isn’t easy, and especially when I was tired or cranky it wouldn’t work well. But I kept at it anyway, and forgave myself when it didn’t work.
Took a couple of years (I was in my late 40s) but it took. Now I’m able to divert my brain at least 99% of the time, but I only need to do that once in a while because that old path is not as easy for my brain to find anymore.
Anyway, I hope you can find something that works for you, and you can get the nasty thoughts stopped (or eased at least). Good luck!
Make the people in your head behave the way they should. They have no agency in your head. It’s happening in your head so everything “they” are doing is something you are making them do. “Sorry I was so dumb and wrong, now here’s a five paragraph essay on why you were right”.
It’s exactly as hallucinatory as running the upsetting scenario multiple times. The first time in real life wasn’t a hallucination; all subsequent iterations were. So you may as well hallucinate in a way that’s less bothersome.
This carries a risk for people who refuse to acknowledge faults and weaknesses of their own. So, try not to give yourself credit you don’t deserve.
Imagining you’re a movie director and they have to do what you say may bypass some objections to don’t this, but that’s just an extra layer you don’t need
If there’s something that needs to be resolved then you might need to handle it differently but this is magic for pure habit busting.
Hows your sleep?
(I was unfairly assuming this person was a troll or something so I accused them of it and was a dick about it. They weren’t, I’m just really sensitive rn)
Is this someone who’s following you around? Because if your response is just to this comment, I think you’re reading something into it that’s not fair. That’s okay, literally everyone here gets over sensitive sometimes, but you should probably take a little break and see if you feel better after a shower or walk or something.
No they were just a stranger trying to give friendly advice, I’m just in a really shit headspace and thought they were being an asshole. I’m sorry
It’s okay, it would have taken me a lot longer to realize that :)
I’m sorry you’re in such an awful space, I don’t have any real advice for you, except that you should give yourself a little bit of a break, because you’re in a really stressful moment. I tend to treat myself too much, which is why I say only a little bit of a break, but try not to expect full productivity from yourself.
Its a serious question, I’m gonna pretend I didnt see that comment and give you a chance to try again if you’re serious about wanting any help
I get BPD’s involved but thats not an excuse for treating people like crap. Choose carefully
So I’ll share the number one thing:
You need super bright and powerful light in the morning whenever that is for you, like immediately after you open your eyes to start the day.
- You can go outside if the sun is out and get some light straight to your eyeballs.
- Or you can get a SAD light box (seasonal affective disorder) regardless of whether you have depression cuz it helps everyone entrain their sleep cycles
Start there and let me know you’re trying it
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I was wondering the same thing about you honestly/initially but it was also at the back of my mind I might have tapped a nerve unintentionally…
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You realize that if you’re not getting enough and proper sleep it makes all your struggles 1000x worse right? Its not a platitude or a smug thing, life is miserable and crazy without it.
I can give actual actionable stuff or you can be abusive and we can cease communicating. But if you are treating people like this its best they are not involved and are able to safely move along.
I’m really sorry, I’m really ashamed of my sleep and I don’t wanna talk about it rn, I shouldn’t have assumed you were trying to hurt me. I’m so sorry
My sleep schedule is absolute shit. I’ve spent the last like 5 years of my life getting high most days and well into the night, and going to bed no earlier than 2 or 3 am, sometimes 6 or 7. I try to fix my sleep schedule sometimes but almost nothing works, and even when it does it doesn’t stick bc I just go back to getting high and staying up way too late
I’m just in such a deep fucking rut and it’s so hard to do anything to get out, i don’t want to be like this, I just want to have a job and not treat my friends and family like shit. It’s so fucking hard when every time I try to smoke less weed I get convinced that the people I love are assholes or don’t care about me. I’d love to hear any advice you have, I’m sorry I assumed the worst of you and treated you like shit
When you try to cut down on weed, you’re experiencing increased irritability due to withdrawal symptoms. Other symptoms of withdrawal include insomnia, anxiety, and headaches. If you want to get a handle on all this, I strongly recommend you try to stop the cannabis entirely. Try to stop for an entire month to get well past any withdrawal symptoms and see how you feel. You can always pick it up again later if you decide to, but you need to find yourself without it before you make that decision.
Second, maybe consider finding a psychotherapist who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. DBT will help you learn skills relating to emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and mindfulness (living in the present rather than rehashing the past), all of which are issues you describe having problems with.
If you do DBT, you have to show up for it. You don’t roll your eyes, or say “this is stupid,” you do the work step by step until it’s done, and what you’ve learned and practiced by the end can help you change your life. Good luck to you and don’t hesitate to ask more questions
I can’t send you a message so if you’ve blocked me and just don’t wanna hear anything I’m sorry for this comment. I just wanted to say the way I read your first comment was really uncharitable and you didn’t deserve any of the shitty things I responded with, and that you gave good advice and if you have anything else to say I’d love to hear it 🌸
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I don’t know if this is worth anything to you, just know you’re not alone in your struggle. I get it too. I constantly agonize over how to just let things go, even the old scars. I think I cope with it best by accepting the human nature of it. Any creature reacting to negative stimulus with enough memory to remember the event would do the same. I was hurt, monkey no like hurt, think about how to prevent hurt. loop for x times. Many factors can multiply x. We get some bonus multipliers from the neurodivergence, sure, but It’s normal enough for Disney to make a song out of the feeling afterall. You’re doing well to control your substances, I’d benefit from the same. Take care stranger.
Personally, and only because you mentioned it, I’ll just say that avoiding weed as much as possible makes this issue much more manageable for me.
Full disclosure: I often ignore my own advice.
I’m in therapy as well.
Have you covered CBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? If so and those thing didn’t work to your satisfaction, have you tried EMDR?
I occasionally pull up CBT worksheets online, they’re easy to look for, when I’m having intrusive thoughts. I find them helpful with changing my point of view, particularly the ones with visualization. I recommend this as a low-barrier way for anyone to deal with spiraling.
DBT programs are helpful for people with BPD. They’re long term so you can build healthier thought patterns over a period of time. Since it takes a while to build habits. If you have a doctor or therapist already, or a local mental health initiative, they might have programs available to join. Where I live they’re free.
EMDR in therapy was very effective for me in reworking deep-rooted memories of shame and self-hate. Unfortunately that requires having a therapist you already have a good relationship with, and you might have to pay.
