Ok, this is coming from a Balkan so white, that I turn red within 5 minutes of direct sunlight, so, to my shame, I don’t know the minutiae of your situation. But hear me out:

The simple fact that you are this concerned and introspective already makes you “better” (i.e. healthier, more reasonable, more empathetic, more responsible) than the majority of people nowadays. I know, this may sound like the biggest contradiction of the lot, but think about it. We live in a world where a frighteningly large number of people are unwilling to give up an inch of “Historic Privilege” because that’s all they have! No personality, no values, no passions beyond what a (small) bunch of dead, rich white guys decided was important and valuable. Most people would rather ignore the bush fire than admit to themselves that they are partly responsible for it, either through inaction or otherwise. You can bet these types of people have done minimal to no genuine introspection.

In addition to this, your values (and mine, if you’ll allow this small inclusion) are not really valued by society anymore, which is why it’s so damned hard to maintain a fair perspective - society, not individual people, because there are still plenty of people who would value you dearly for who you are. From your other posts, I’ve gathered that you are a soulful, creative person, with a concrete set of principles and ideals, with a desire for growth, betterment and fairness, a clear grasp of your positioning in relation to your history and present, and concern for your fellow human beings. In my opinion, none of these define you as essentialy broken. And I’m sure many other people will agree with this evaluation (sometimes, echo chambers are healthy).

I’m not saying you’re perfect, though! None of us are! But perfection does not define our humanity. What does define it, though, is everything I’ve highlighted so far. And you have that. At worst, you’re as human as the best of us. Seriously. We all have our blind spots, we all have our work cut out for us for as long as we live, but we also have to learn to give ourselves the credit we deserve when we do deserve it. And you deserve to give yourself SOME credit, at least.

I’m saying all of this as a person who spent 6 years of their life in a depressive fugue state. My life and mind were nothing but a conglomeration of self-hatred, self-doubt, and self-denigration. And while I know that all of those were ultimately undeserved, I also know how… oddly comfortable self-loathing can be. Because it removes us from the responsibility of embodying our values (“I don’t have to actually do anything since it’s universally agreed that I’m no good,” or thereabouts). But that’s unfair to yourself, because YOU deserve to be the best You you can be, the best You you can envision for yourself. And I know this is even harder to achieve and maintain in the current socio-economic context, but we owe it to ourselves to hold our values closer and tighter than ever before, because they’re the bedrock upon which the actually good solutions and changes are built.

I know this won’t change the outside context much. I know this won’t change the racism and mysoginy which permeate the State and the average citizenry. But maybe, just maybe, if you accept the fact that you do deserve better than what you’re getting and what you’re giving yourself, maybe that’ll help you shove your way through it. And, hopefully, it will lead you to a better entourage, one made up of like-minded people with true values.

In a dehumanising world, the most powerful thing we have is our humanity. And you deserve to love yourself and to be loved for having it.

P.S.: I’m genuinely sorry if I caused any insult or discomfort through my intervention or my ignorance. For whatever it’s worth, every word comes from a place of sincerity and empathy.