I hate that one of them is interested in dating me and jokes often about me being his future wife. I like him a lot but I’m not good enough for him or worth anyone’s time. I’m scum. I know he’d be sad if I died but I think he’s better off without me. The others usually see me happy and would probably be shocked that I died. I probably shouldn’t care since I wouldn’t be there to see them sad. I don’t know. Even though my life got much better 3 years ago, I don’t see it improving any more than that. It’ll go downhill if I don’t cut my losses soon. I really give up on everything. I’ll be a horrible wife and mother, worse than I already am as a friend and a person. I’m ruined beyond repair, end me
Spite is an excellent short term motivation. If you give up, those guys win. Fuck those guys.
The best way to piss them off is to live the best possible life (whatever that means to you), despite their attempts to make life miserable.
And sometimes those guys happen to be in your head. Fuck those guys in particular, we’re not going to give in to them.
Hey, you’d be surprised how much difference a friend can make. I have a kid, so I have my own reasons to keep going. But if you consider this person so great in your life, and you acknowledge that losing you would hurt him, then why hurt him? Even if you do only think of it as a friendship, you clearly think highly of him. So why would you want to hurt him?
I know this isn’t the argument one would normally take when trying to talk someone out of a suicidal mindset. But I’ve been there. I’ve thought so much about it, that I actually was like “just wait till after ‘endgame’”. Ok, well, I made it to see it in theaters. But then I realized my friend’s birthday was 2 weeks away. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t have him associate that with his birthday. So I put it off. But then there was another thing, and another thing, and I’m not saying I’m great right now, but I have lost interest in suicide. Yeah, that’s not the “kids gloves” approach, but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of that. This is just another way of coming to the same conclusion as those people. Don’t do it. There’s a lot to live for. If not for your own interests and things you’re looking forward to, (whether that’s Taylor swifts next record, the next ______ movie, or GTA 6, or whatever) then to not hurt your love interest.
What I’m saying is, put it off. Don’t do it right now. Find a reason to put it off. “Fuck, I can’t die before I see season 2 of fallout!” Find a reason to put it off. I wish I could give you a hug and say it’ll be ok, but please, just find a reason to move the date back.
I am dealing with my own garbage mental health at the moment so I can’t give the same kind of emotional energy some other folks have, but:
🫂 you don’t deserve the pain that your hatred inflicts on you. Self worth can be so hard to find, and it hurts so much to live without
I’m glad you exist, OP. If you ever just want someone to talk to, DMs are open.
Why are you scum? Like, I know this is about venting, but you can’t drop a line like that and not give some kind of explanation.
Like, I’m a pretty fucking violent dude. Have been for decades. So if I was going to call myself scum, I could point to that and feel justified. I wouldn’t because I don’t believe that one thing about me is enough to merit that, but there are some things that could. But there are shitty things worthy of such a label. And enough little things could add up to that.
So, what’s the what? You vented publicly, so there’s a teeny tiny degree of obligation to at least give a hint as to why you’re scum. Doesn’t need to be detailed, but you gotta put up something.
I thought about it. I don’t even know. I’ve had bad experiences and horrible views that I sometimes regress into but I’m actively trying to better myself. I just hate myself a lot
Sounds less scum and more human. Mind you, humans tend to be shitty, but it takes more than the usual bullshit to merit a term that removes the human entirely, the way scum does.
When it comes right down to it though, hate can motivate like little else when it comes to self improvement. If you suck, and you’re working on your shit, that’s all anyone can do. It’s better than most people tbh, because most people suck but won’t admit it and work on it.
Like, I’m not trying to talk you out of hating yourself, you know you better than anyone else. I’m just saying that, objectively, someone that’s working on their asshole parts is usually not as bad as someone that’s got the same asshole parts and isn’t working on it.
Truth is that the kind of person that can hate themselves at all tends to not be as bad as they think simply by virtue of being willing to take a hard look at themselves and say “wtf, dude, that’s not fucking okay”.
The problem comes in when that hard look and evaluation aren’t accurate. It’s so damn easy to under or over estimate exactly how much of an asshole you are. Same way people suck at judging how attractive they are, or how smart they are. Trying to pin down exactly how much of a douche you are is difficult. There’s always a margin of error, and most people go well beyond that margin.
You see what I mean? You may be an asshole, or have a severe narcissistic streak, or whatever it is that brings on the self hate. But it’s unlikely your evaluation of the degree is right. Way it usually works is that the people that think they’re great suck deeply, and vice versa, but sometimes the typical, run-of-the-mill average Joe thinks they’re worse or better too. Nobody likes to think they’re just average asshole for some reason.
Ok, this is coming from a Balkan so white, that I turn red within 5 minutes of direct sunlight, so, to my shame, I don’t know the minutiae of your situation. But hear me out:
The simple fact that you are this concerned and introspective already makes you “better” (i.e. healthier, more reasonable, more empathetic, more responsible) than the majority of people nowadays. I know, this may sound like the biggest contradiction of the lot, but think about it. We live in a world where a frighteningly large number of people are unwilling to give up an inch of “Historic Privilege” because that’s all they have! No personality, no values, no passions beyond what a (small) bunch of dead, rich white guys decided was important and valuable. Most people would rather ignore the bush fire than admit to themselves that they are partly responsible for it, either through inaction or otherwise. You can bet these types of people have done minimal to no genuine introspection.
In addition to this, your values (and mine, if you’ll allow this small inclusion) are not really valued by society anymore, which is why it’s so damned hard to maintain a fair perspective - society, not individual people, because there are still plenty of people who would value you dearly for who you are. From your other posts, I’ve gathered that you are a soulful, creative person, with a concrete set of principles and ideals, with a desire for growth, betterment and fairness, a clear grasp of your positioning in relation to your history and present, and concern for your fellow human beings. In my opinion, none of these define you as essentialy broken. And I’m sure many other people will agree with this evaluation (sometimes, echo chambers are healthy).
I’m not saying you’re perfect, though! None of us are! But perfection does not define our humanity. What does define it, though, is everything I’ve highlighted so far. And you have that. At worst, you’re as human as the best of us. Seriously. We all have our blind spots, we all have our work cut out for us for as long as we live, but we also have to learn to give ourselves the credit we deserve when we do deserve it. And you deserve to give yourself SOME credit, at least.
I’m saying all of this as a person who spent 6 years of their life in a depressive fugue state. My life and mind were nothing but a conglomeration of self-hatred, self-doubt, and self-denigration. And while I know that all of those were ultimately undeserved, I also know how… oddly comfortable self-loathing can be. Because it removes us from the responsibility of embodying our values (“I don’t have to actually do anything since it’s universally agreed that I’m no good,” or thereabouts). But that’s unfair to yourself, because YOU deserve to be the best You you can be, the best You you can envision for yourself. And I know this is even harder to achieve and maintain in the current socio-economic context, but we owe it to ourselves to hold our values closer and tighter than ever before, because they’re the bedrock upon which the actually good solutions and changes are built.
I know this won’t change the outside context much. I know this won’t change the racism and mysoginy which permeate the State and the average citizenry. But maybe, just maybe, if you accept the fact that you do deserve better than what you’re getting and what you’re giving yourself, maybe that’ll help you shove your way through it. And, hopefully, it will lead you to a better entourage, one made up of like-minded people with true values.
In a dehumanising world, the most powerful thing we have is our humanity. And you deserve to love yourself and to be loved for having it.
P.S.: I’m genuinely sorry if I caused any insult or discomfort through my intervention or my ignorance. For whatever it’s worth, every word comes from a place of sincerity and empathy.
