My BF Jay (15M) and I (15F) have been dating for about a year now. Now, we are obviously young, so I’ll probably need different advice than an adult woman.
Anyway, Jay hardly ever says he loves me (though he’s been starting to now, thankfully), reads my texts and never responds, and had another girl’s name in his bio.
One section said “Status: Taken I love my gfs ❤️ Currently dating: Almond [me], Mae [the other girl]”
Of course, I asked him who Mae was, and he said that she’s a girl he’s been into for a while and who he has been seeing. However, he never told me about Mae, and I’m assuming he never tells Mae about me.
At first, I thought he was just a private guy when he never posted about me and never said he had a GF. When he talked about people he was grateful for and people he made stuff for, he never included me.
I want to trust him, but especially with the leaving me on read and being with Mae (who he apparently doesn’t talk to anymore), I need advice on what to do.
When I was your age, every new flame felt like “the one”. Trust me, this guy is NOT the one. You have written proof that he is not loyal or even honest. There’s a Maya Angelou quote that will only get truer with the more life experience you gain: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Did he technically “cheat”? He talked so excitedly about Mae, as if I’m just his good friend
Depends on what you talked about you expect of each other. If “dating you and Mae” is not cheating for you, then it isn’t. If you had a mutual understanding that you’re not going to be dating multiple people, then it is.
I mean, I did say he could date multiple people IF I knew about them, which I didn’t. He was dating this girl while we were already dating and didn’t tell me.
Then he quite clearly broke your trust and an agreement. If you want this sort of behavior in your life, because he will very very likely continue this behavior, then you can continue with him, otherwise you should look for a better person to date.
The way these kind of people are not cut loose more often is because they say “I won’t do it again, I can change”. They might even actually mean it. Especially when this young. When it comes to sexual relations, our minds make us lie well by actually making us truly believe something false. You can not (fully) trust what people say when it comes to dating (or in general, but dating is one of the worst offenders), you have to actually look at the real behavior and what is actually happening.
He (and you) is young and testing things out. He will continue to do things he does unless they stop working for him. If breaking an agreement with you works and he can continue to break agreements with you, he’ll learn that this is what works for him. People are actually predictable like that, we all work very very similarly, no one is special. So if you don’t punish his breaking of agreement, he’ll be much more likely to continue to do it. It’s important to tell him, though, that breaking the agreement is the problem, not the actual dating multiple people, if that is truly how you feel. Otherwise he might just learn that hiding it better is the right course of action. He might learn that anyway, but there’s nothing else you can do about that.
I know this whole situation feels very shitty, I’ve been there earlier in my life. But you should always make the decisions that are “best” for you, whatever you feel like they are. Looking for advice is already an incredibly good thing you’re doing, just try to make sure you take the right advice as well :)
I wish you lots of good vibes in the future, you’re on a good path :)
If you have to question someone’s trust…
True…
When I was younger, I put up with a lot of bullshit because I thought it was normal. “Obviously, this person likes me, because they say so. Also I like them, so it will be fine.”
But look at what his actions are saying. He’s not including you on a list of people he’s grateful for? The first you learn he’s dating another woman is from reading something he posted, instead of him telling you directly?
What do you want in a guy (or gal or any partner)? Someone loyal to you, someone that makes you feel special, someone that respects you. That should be the minimum. You can add some bonuses later, like having shared hobbies. (And these addons can change, especially since you’re young.) Will you find this person if you’re wasting your time on people that don’t pass this low bar?
I’ll tell you about this man I dated when I was young. He seemed a bit interested in me, but never talked about me publicly. He had this female friend that he hung out with, a lot. To the point he would ignore me to talk to her. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. But I stuck around and tried for months to convince him to want me. And it worked! For a while… Until he snuck around on me again. And again. I finally wised up and threw the whole man away. I got with so many duds after that guy, but those experiences made me learn what to look for until I ended up with my current partner. (Together for the better part of a decade!)
If I were you, I’d dump this guy. Take a little time to heal if needed. Focus on your hobbies and hanging out with friends. People living their lives have a much better chance of finding a date, if that’s something you’re interested in.
