I’m suggesting that you read too much into the idea, friend. It’s not healthy. It gets better after high school, I can assure you, as long as you’re not in rural USA or a company like Amazon.

Quit reading fanfiction about dead monks.

You’ll never understand why I find this as funny as I do, but your simplification is endearing. It’s been a while so I could only remember Abelard’s appreciation for the act, but you’re right. However, I really don’t see this conversation becoming productive as I’m not a counselor or anything of the sort, and you seem to need someone trustworthy to talk to. Some rando on the internet can’t replace interpersonal relationships. I sincerely hope you find what you need as, satire or not, everyone deserves it.