Usually when someone is venting at me, I feel like I should respond somehow and say something, but I have no idea what that something could/should be. Is it better to just listen or try to comfort them in some way?
“That’s rough buddy.”
For more useful advice, see all the other comments.
Very helpful if your friend’s girlfriend turned into a moon.
I don’t think there’s really any one universal best answer, really. I agree with the idea that mirroring is the most fundamental answer. I try to ask questions too, where appropriate.
If they’re venting and don’t want advice, just show fellow feeling.
- man that blows
- why would they think that’s a good idea?!
- they’re such dicks
- how did they think you were going to react?!
- etc. You can also ask questions to help the person unload more, or to understand what’s made them so mad they need to vent. You’re not trying to fix a problem. You’re trying to help your friend scream into the void and feel heard and supported. Especially if they don’t feel heard at the source of their problem.
For me, one reason that I get frustrated with advisors is that they offer level one of advice when I’ve already tried levels one - three hundred of solutions. I feel slightly condescended to, and then I have to tactfully explain why their solution isn’t feasible. Then I end up feeling like a dick for shooting down their help. Or, I can nod, smile, say thanks, that’s a good idea, and walk away still feeling unheard and misunderstood.
The main thing is that you don’t pull attention. Don’t try to share stories about similar things you’ve gone through immediately, start like others have said - noises that indicate you’re listening. Look up reflective listening skills and do those things.
If they seem to want advice, you can ask, “Hey, I don’t wanna give you any advice if you don’t want it. I can keep just listening, but your (pause / frustration / whatever) makes it seem like you might be looking for a possible solution …” And then see what they say.
Just say contextually appropriate listening-interjections that validate their feelings. Things like, “WTF?” “Rude!” “How awful,” “Oof that’s stressful,” a disapproving hmmm, etc.
Imagine you’re a dustpan without a bottom: the dust of their venting gets swept in, but falls right back out without sticking to anything. Most importantly, don’t try to fix their feelings. That’s not your job. Your job is to meet them where they are, as they are. (And if, for whatever reason, you can’t, I’ve used the phrasing of, “I’m really sorry, but I can’t be a good audience for that. Do you need suggestions for finding other support?”)
Gender is somewhat relevant here-- according to my women studies course in uni. When women are describing a problem, they don’t usually want solutions. They want support, understanding, & sympathy, contrary to the typical male response which is to give advice & propose solutions, which then has a good chance of ending badly.
Input from a clinical psychologist and therapist: That’s true but leaves out the fact that everybody responds better to validation (just like you described for women) unless they ask for advice or a solution. I’ll also say–this time only anecdotally–that even men requesting advice and answers often benefit much more from validation, especially when advice would not be helpful.
Is this really true that men aren’t looking for this same validation or do they just generally vent less because generally speaking men have fewer close friendships and maybe are less used to having anyone to vent to? Just thinking out loud
Idk, tbh in my experience, men can do both at the same time. It usually goes like
“Duuude (some shitty news)”
“Damn dude that sucks, why (did that happen, etc)”
“I think blah blah blah”
“Damn, did you try yadda yadda?”
“Yeah and this happened, can you believe that shit?!”
“That sucks, I’d (blank). What’re you gonna do?”
(Cont…)
It just feels all like one cohesive conversation yet both sides are present, the helping side and the listening side. Unfortunately I can only do this with my male friends, with my Fe woman (Haha! Almost got me to say the F word. Leaving “male” though since none of us give a single shit about that) friends, because even though I’d have to listen to give advice at all one precludes the other to them, I just have to end up basically saying “Damn. That sucks. Wow. No shit? Damn. Fuck that!” Really stimulating conversation (I say with the utmost sarcasm) but at least they perceive me as a good listener (even though I was a good listener all along, but this way their perception reflects that lol.)
Like, I have one friend, she moved out of state but she still calls to catch up about 1x weekly, and I know a lot about her life but all she knows about mine is “Damn. That sucks. Wow. No shit? Damn. Fuck that!” as she vents about work or her boyfriend (to another guy, and we have a bit of a history, tbh he would prob be mad if he knew but I’ve only met him once, so what can I do about it), or talks about her plants, until she gets home from her drive from work and says she’s got to go inside. In her mind, we have great conversations, yet in mine they’re usually barely conversations they’re so one sided.
I’m not mad about it (I actually think it’s funny, and I have my own people to talk to so I don’t “need” her for that or anything crazy), but I do think the other comments are right that it’s a difference in how our brains work, or possibly how we perceive that advice, or how we perceive who is giving that advice. I think (in my experience anyway, since that’s what I’m made of) it seems like my male friends take it more as help for real (and assume I offered it because I care, at that), whereas women in my life take the advice not as “help” but as an insinuation that they are incapable of figuring the problem out for themselves, which is of course not my intention (but that’s why if any woman wants my advice she unfortunately has to explicitly ask for it. I know that’s hard to ask for advice sometimes but I miss social cues a lot so it’s just safer for everyone this way, less women mad at me lol, shitsux for an ADHD guy accused of but not diagnosed with autism haha. Men I’ll just talk to like regular though, they dgaf about shit lol.)
I agree with most of the posts here. It’s best to just listen and try to mirror imo. However I find it can be so difficult because I don’t want to … Sound like a bot. Like I don’t want to just keek saying the same thing over and over or just repeat their words.
“I’m sorry this happened.” “That really sucks.”
I end up feeling like an NPC with 3 dialogue choices being spammed.
But otherwise I do try my best just to simply listen and sympathize.
