As an adult who had zero support from anyone. Disregarded, ignored, neglected and abandoned by family. Othered, dehumanized, and alienated in school, with all the staff deliberately discouraging any growth. Having only bullies, stalkers, and attempted rapists as friends (you deserve it though). I made my first actual friend almost a year ago but I feel like he doesn’t understand me entirely. And I feel overly attached so I’m even questioning if I actually love him or not. He’s literally the first person who has treated me like a human being, outside of customer service people.
That part right there has to go. Before much of anything else can change, that belief must go.
Any number of people can tell you any number of times that you deserve better, but until this belief that you deserve to be mistreated actually changes in inside you, in your way of thinking day to day, little else will change in a meaningful way.
Good friends who treat you like humans help, it sounds like you found one of those so far. Good therapists help more, if you can find a good one.
I was told by literally everyone that if I had so many bad experiences with friends then the common denominator is me, the problem is me. No one would stand up for me when I was bullied right in front of them, they’d deliberately look away. My high school tried to expel me for almost being raped many times. And they’d still put me in the same gym class as the attempted rapists and imply I’m the problem for being uncomfortable exercising with people who literally sexually assaulted me. The stalker was only someone who “wanted to be my friend” by copying everything I did exactly or closest enough, and cornering me in the bathroom when we were the only people in there, all while she clearly despised me but was pleasant with literally everyone else so I deserved it. Imitation is flattery and whatever shit I fucking hate that quote, coloring red on your jeans to copy a period stain is not flattery. But if I don’t like it, I just need to get over it.
In this case I would say the school was the problem - and a I mean the teachers and people in charge by that. If they didn’t care for the atmosphere in the collective and didn’t actively work on making it good, or, as it seems, even made it worse by their approach, bullies were let loose, then there was really nothing you could do. The grown-ups failed you. You don’t deserve that.
Hey bud it sounds like our experiences may have quite a bit of overlap. I think the #1 thing that helps here is learning to have and respect healthy boundaries. Internal and external boundaries allow you to have more fulfilling relationships and feel more fulfilled yourself. These are things that a lot of people kind of implicitly learn from their families, but we weren’t so lucky. If you have the option and can find a good therapist, they can help you with this. Otherwise, there are a lot of good books about boundaries that you can probably get from your local library or Amazon.
As an adult who had zero support from anyone. Disregarded, ignored, neglected and abandoned by family. Othered, dehumanized, and alienated in school, with all the staff deliberately discouraging any growth. Having only bullies, stalkers, and attempted rapists as friends (you deserve it though). I made my first actual friend almost a year ago but I feel like he doesn’t understand me entirely. And I feel overly attached so I’m even questioning if I actually love him or not. He’s literally the first person who has treated me like a human being, outside of customer service people.
“(you deserve it though)”
That part right there has to go. Before much of anything else can change, that belief must go.
Any number of people can tell you any number of times that you deserve better, but until this belief that you deserve to be mistreated actually changes in inside you, in your way of thinking day to day, little else will change in a meaningful way.
Good friends who treat you like humans help, it sounds like you found one of those so far. Good therapists help more, if you can find a good one.
I was told by literally everyone that if I had so many bad experiences with friends then the common denominator is me, the problem is me. No one would stand up for me when I was bullied right in front of them, they’d deliberately look away. My high school tried to expel me for almost being raped many times. And they’d still put me in the same gym class as the attempted rapists and imply I’m the problem for being uncomfortable exercising with people who literally sexually assaulted me. The stalker was only someone who “wanted to be my friend” by copying everything I did exactly or closest enough, and cornering me in the bathroom when we were the only people in there, all while she clearly despised me but was pleasant with literally everyone else so I deserved it. Imitation is flattery and whatever shit I fucking hate that quote, coloring red on your jeans to copy a period stain is not flattery. But if I don’t like it, I just need to get over it.
In this case I would say the school was the problem - and a I mean the teachers and people in charge by that. If they didn’t care for the atmosphere in the collective and didn’t actively work on making it good, or, as it seems, even made it worse by their approach, bullies were let loose, then there was really nothing you could do. The grown-ups failed you. You don’t deserve that.
Hey bud it sounds like our experiences may have quite a bit of overlap. I think the #1 thing that helps here is learning to have and respect healthy boundaries. Internal and external boundaries allow you to have more fulfilling relationships and feel more fulfilled yourself. These are things that a lot of people kind of implicitly learn from their families, but we weren’t so lucky. If you have the option and can find a good therapist, they can help you with this. Otherwise, there are a lot of good books about boundaries that you can probably get from your local library or Amazon.
I think you should request permission to vent and then vent to him. Having only your thoughts can cloud your judgement.
Platonic love? I’m sure you do.