this happened before social media too. it may have been made more common, but even then it’s hard to say if that’s just us seeing it more because of social media. the internet has us all connected in a more intimate way, for better or for worse.
It did happen before, but much much less. There was a lot more live contact with people and even shy awkward people would constantly be in contact with others.
Again, this could very easily be confirmation bias. Without social media you wouldn’t have seen this post to make this comment, but this fella would still be just as sad.
Right but research on loneliness is hard. People self-select against being in your focus group. How are you going to reach someone who can’t be contacted?
I wish it were this simple. I think it’s cuz young men often don’t have friends. Once you don’t have IRL friends, it’s very hard to get out of that hole. If you have IRL friends, then you can meet more people, otherwise it’s just weird. Like, tf are you gonna do, use a dating app or cry on r/lonely or what?
What I’ve seen recommended a lot (by psychologists as well) is going to an event you’d have fun at already (a fair, concert, band, choir, language course, hobby activity like dnd or LAN games) and just keep in mind while you’re there to try and get more comfortable being around people.
A lot of places like that force interactions, which can help you become more comfortable. If you’re doing something you like then the people there will probably be more similar to you, which makes it easier to make friends. Two of my closest friends were met through 1. language class, and 2. a game we both happened to play that left empty time to chat.
If that’s too much, you can try doing something small to get yourself more comfortable, even if it’s just hanging out in an online chatroom.
A big issue here is that a lot of these guys don’t see “opportunities to make friends”, they see “opportunities to find(land/score/get) a girlfriend”. And that’s going to cripple their social life. I’m mid-30’s now, but during my dating days it was a pretty annoying when guys came to my hobbies purely for dating. Even a couple who would have been great friends, absolutely ruined it by taking the “I need a girlfriend” route.
Step 1: Be happy with yourself
Step 2: Be happy with friends
Step 3: Be happy with a partner.
It doesn’t start at step 3, but a lot of people seem to think that’s the very foundation of everything.
What you said is pretty true, it takes a good mindset to realize a girlfriend isn’t going to change your life, and it doesn’t feel great for the people you’re expecting to fix everything.
I’d only want to add that even if someone is unhappy with themselves, the friends they make doing stuff they like can guide them to being a happier person, or they can at least be lonely together.
Personally, I had IRL friends that I used to hang out with and see. I dated a girl from that friend group and after the break up, I was perceived as the person in the wrong and no one from that friend group spoke to me again, even though I knew some of them from UK college.
It’s not just social media. It’s a cluster fuck of different things. Blaming the entire reason why people don’t have friends on social media is silly.
I’ve had situations where I completely changed my friendship circle 3 times. That’s not a reason to become a recluse, a lonely mess of a pain.
I never said its just exclusively social media and I don’t know why would you assume I did. I’m sorry but I can’t talk to someone who takes everything as an absolute. Life has many nuances and the only way to talk about it on this social media is to simplify it. I don’t want to talk to people that expect me to be as precise as a lawyer in a murder case. It makes no sense and such a discussion is only geared for a senseless argument.
Umm. You can meet people anywhere. Hobbies are a good example. I have a scuba club, a pinball league, golf buddies, work buddies, etc. We have legit hung out a lot with people we met at the dog park. It’s not as tough as I thought once you get out there and do stuff. I met my wife on a dating app many years ago. The apps now are so much better. I’ll forever be curious what it would have been like to date people now. It sounds like you can essentially set a beacon saying you just want some ass. When I was online dating, it was not the norm and it was all damaged goods.
You ever hear about the book Bowling Alone? Or see the statistics on people who have little-to-no friends? Time and money (and because of both, transportation) are probably the most common issues. Also a whole range of other situational/personal issues, most of which probably aren’t really solved just by existing near unknown people.
Also definitely does not seem like online dating is “better” just because it has more people.
I don’t know if online dating is better now. Yes there are a lot more people on the apps but the apps have the worst business model and people looking for partners are often window shopping, have outrageous standards, and or are very “transactional”.
I’m sure if you’re very attractive or wealthy it can work out or if you’re a woman (but then you get bombarded with literally every dude). But it’s kinda tough for most dudes.
I do recognize that dating IRL can be like that too but I feel like dating apps can exacerbate the negative aspects of finding a partner.
I’ve met some people through online dating but the people I’ve met organically have generally been a better connection. Also some people do not look like their photo or act very different from their texting persona.
Social media is partly to blame. I feel this is also the fault of bad parenting. Not that the parents were bad people, but they definitely neglected their child on teaching them social skills. A man doesn’t become like this out of the blue the moment they turn 18 and move out of the house. Like I see men like that often in my Asian community, many Asian parents force their kids to study hard and tell them they can’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend until they have graduated college. And often they don’t even have friends because they don’t have time to hang with other people of their age. Boys raised in such a household are socially deprived and end up friendless and socially inept as an adult and if they have friends it’s often men who had the same youth so it’s just a circlejerk of virgin men who can’t teach each other skills to get out of the hole they are in. And then the parents are surprised that their adult son in his late 20’s or 30’s is still not married.
I grew up homeschooled. I spent the first 18 years of my life basically locked in a house. I didn’t really have friends. I only got to see people around my age (aside from my siblings) a handful of times a year.
Good fucking lord, has that been a social pit to climb out of. I still don’t know how to make friends.
Weirdly enough, I’ve never had much trouble dating. But goddamn, platonic relationships are so fucking elusive.
That’s so sad. This is the fault of social media.
this happened before social media too. it may have been made more common, but even then it’s hard to say if that’s just us seeing it more because of social media. the internet has us all connected in a more intimate way, for better or for worse.
It did happen before, but much much less. There was a lot more live contact with people and even shy awkward people would constantly be in contact with others.
Again, this could very easily be confirmation bias. Without social media you wouldn’t have seen this post to make this comment, but this fella would still be just as sad.
Im taking in general, there is much research on social media use and loneliness.
Right but research on loneliness is hard. People self-select against being in your focus group. How are you going to reach someone who can’t be contacted?
I’m not a researcher, I’m just a person who has casually browsed about the issue and it’s clear the issue exists.
I wish it were this simple. I think it’s cuz young men often don’t have friends. Once you don’t have IRL friends, it’s very hard to get out of that hole. If you have IRL friends, then you can meet more people, otherwise it’s just weird. Like, tf are you gonna do, use a dating app or cry on r/lonely or what?
What I’ve seen recommended a lot (by psychologists as well) is going to an event you’d have fun at already (a fair, concert, band, choir, language course, hobby activity like dnd or LAN games) and just keep in mind while you’re there to try and get more comfortable being around people.
A lot of places like that force interactions, which can help you become more comfortable. If you’re doing something you like then the people there will probably be more similar to you, which makes it easier to make friends. Two of my closest friends were met through 1. language class, and 2. a game we both happened to play that left empty time to chat.
If that’s too much, you can try doing something small to get yourself more comfortable, even if it’s just hanging out in an online chatroom.
A big issue here is that a lot of these guys don’t see “opportunities to make friends”, they see “opportunities to find(land/score/get) a girlfriend”. And that’s going to cripple their social life. I’m mid-30’s now, but during my dating days it was a pretty annoying when guys came to my hobbies purely for dating. Even a couple who would have been great friends, absolutely ruined it by taking the “I need a girlfriend” route.
Step 1: Be happy with yourself Step 2: Be happy with friends Step 3: Be happy with a partner.
It doesn’t start at step 3, but a lot of people seem to think that’s the very foundation of everything.
What you said is pretty true, it takes a good mindset to realize a girlfriend isn’t going to change your life, and it doesn’t feel great for the people you’re expecting to fix everything.
I’d only want to add that even if someone is unhappy with themselves, the friends they make doing stuff they like can guide them to being a happier person, or they can at least be lonely together.
I’ll definitely try looking into this, since I’m kinda in the same situation. But thank you for your advice. :)
It’s not simple. People don’t have friends because of social media. Without it, people would socialise live more.
Personally, I had IRL friends that I used to hang out with and see. I dated a girl from that friend group and after the break up, I was perceived as the person in the wrong and no one from that friend group spoke to me again, even though I knew some of them from UK college.
It’s not just social media. It’s a cluster fuck of different things. Blaming the entire reason why people don’t have friends on social media is silly.
I’ve had situations where I completely changed my friendship circle 3 times. That’s not a reason to become a recluse, a lonely mess of a pain.
I never said its just exclusively social media and I don’t know why would you assume I did. I’m sorry but I can’t talk to someone who takes everything as an absolute. Life has many nuances and the only way to talk about it on this social media is to simplify it. I don’t want to talk to people that expect me to be as precise as a lawyer in a murder case. It makes no sense and such a discussion is only geared for a senseless argument.
Umm. You can meet people anywhere. Hobbies are a good example. I have a scuba club, a pinball league, golf buddies, work buddies, etc. We have legit hung out a lot with people we met at the dog park. It’s not as tough as I thought once you get out there and do stuff. I met my wife on a dating app many years ago. The apps now are so much better. I’ll forever be curious what it would have been like to date people now. It sounds like you can essentially set a beacon saying you just want some ass. When I was online dating, it was not the norm and it was all damaged goods.
You ever hear about the book Bowling Alone? Or see the statistics on people who have little-to-no friends? Time and money (and because of both, transportation) are probably the most common issues. Also a whole range of other situational/personal issues, most of which probably aren’t really solved just by existing near unknown people.
Also definitely does not seem like online dating is “better” just because it has more people.
I don’t know if online dating is better now. Yes there are a lot more people on the apps but the apps have the worst business model and people looking for partners are often window shopping, have outrageous standards, and or are very “transactional”.
I’m sure if you’re very attractive or wealthy it can work out or if you’re a woman (but then you get bombarded with literally every dude). But it’s kinda tough for most dudes.
I do recognize that dating IRL can be like that too but I feel like dating apps can exacerbate the negative aspects of finding a partner.
I’ve met some people through online dating but the people I’ve met organically have generally been a better connection. Also some people do not look like their photo or act very different from their texting persona.
Social media is partly to blame. I feel this is also the fault of bad parenting. Not that the parents were bad people, but they definitely neglected their child on teaching them social skills. A man doesn’t become like this out of the blue the moment they turn 18 and move out of the house. Like I see men like that often in my Asian community, many Asian parents force their kids to study hard and tell them they can’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend until they have graduated college. And often they don’t even have friends because they don’t have time to hang with other people of their age. Boys raised in such a household are socially deprived and end up friendless and socially inept as an adult and if they have friends it’s often men who had the same youth so it’s just a circlejerk of virgin men who can’t teach each other skills to get out of the hole they are in. And then the parents are surprised that their adult son in his late 20’s or 30’s is still not married.
I grew up homeschooled. I spent the first 18 years of my life basically locked in a house. I didn’t really have friends. I only got to see people around my age (aside from my siblings) a handful of times a year.
Good fucking lord, has that been a social pit to climb out of. I still don’t know how to make friends.
Weirdly enough, I’ve never had much trouble dating. But goddamn, platonic relationships are so fucking elusive.