This is one of the reasons I don’t like dogs who lick people. I’m fine with your dog until he starts trying to lick me.

I also don’t like when your laying down, and the cat walks on your chest, just to block your view of the tv, and sticks it’s butthole in your face. You’re all like “eeewwww, no cat butt!!!” But the cat is like “meow!”. You have to tell them “Look, we’ve been over this. I don’t speak meow. You need to learn more words. Like if I pull a can of f-o-o-d out, you go nuts. And I have to spell that word, because I’m not trying to excite you, and then disappoint you. Because I’m NOT an asshole, and am being empathetic to YOUR feelings. Unlike you.”

And she says “Meow”.

And I say “I still don’t get the nuances of meow language. It can’t be one word that means everything. This isn’t Hawaii.”

And she says “Meow.”

It’s a losing battle trying to teach cats to speak english when they lack vocal cords. But maybe it’s a good thing they can’t speak. They could be like carrots. Always screaming how much pain they’re in, and how they have a baby carrot at home. All just because I’m trying to make a salad.

Now…cucumbers? They scare me. They’re practically giddy to be chopped up. Real masochists.

But at least they’re not smug, like George Clooney. The smug bastard!

Don’t let your dog eat shit

“If my ass can open wide enough for that, surely a dick wouldn’t hurt…” - Every dude at some point.

Ive thought that about your dad.

I think association counts if the sounds associated with it are consistently repulsive. For example, the sound of flies swarming around a pile of crap.

Guarantee it would be a widely used substance if it wasn’t for the smell… People would be making scriptures out of it and fixing up cracks in their homes. It would be considered innocent and fun, and some would alter their diets to get a particular consistency.

Incredibly gross to us, and probably still unhygienic. Maybe that’s why it smells, to keep us away from it!

If you take away sight and smell, you could probably get some cool synth/bass/rhythm type sounds out of it, too, if you sampled it.

Vomiting feels way better than needing to and not being able to though

I love shitting. I just had a really big coffee and am preparing for first shit of my work shift.

My favorite sense to describe is proprioception, being able to tell the position your body is in.

a while ago I was trying to find a funny story I read about someone taking a dump in a home depot display toilet, so I could read it to my friend. but I guess my search was too ambiguous and it lead me right to the “coprophilia” subreddit, directly to a post that included the most rancid story I’ve ever read. I won’t repeat the details, but my friend and I decided to end our search there because we had enough “shit talk”