Nah. You can’t do much about how you look, beyond basic hygene and self care.

You can easily do something about being interested in other people’s lives, and being happy for them being happy and commiserating with them when they’re sad. The bonus with this focus is it also makes you feel better about yourself in the long run.

I think that they just need to look like they didn’t just pick themselves off the floor, realistically.

You know I am honestly not so sure. I have seen people who definitely aren’t healthy, and probably not emotionally secure who get and sometimes keep relationships. It’s a lot more complex than you think. Some part of this is because obviously people with similar issues want to be together, but I think as well that things like physical attractiveness do have a role. It’s also the case that being a nice person and being emotionally stable aren’t actually the same thing, and often don’t go together. In fact to me it seems like people who have issues are actually less judgemental. Some of the worst people are those who have never struggled with anything.

It’s like how people have this concept that they either are or aren’t worthy of love. I don’t think that’s even a valid idea to begin with as there is no universal standard for what people want in a partner. Someone either wants you or they don’t, worthiness just isn’t a large factor.

If you were getting it on with aliens, you’d be especially valuable and interesting.

Attempting to avoid triggering negative feelings (e.g. disgust) in the people around you is part of #1.

That generally requires #2, but might not depending other actions and niche situations.

4. Cardio

Point being, people always think it’s about the sex, and not like, that the person is interesting, kind, charming, or rich.

Yes :)

She was just shy of 6’3” (189 cm). She didn’t have a ton of options but to date shorter guys.

What? My family is proudly mixed race, and half of them think porn is evil.

It really betrays a porn addiction when you compartmentalize people and couples by the races involved.

Someone’s never been to the southern U.S.

I think it might be generational at lot of the time. At least in the UK. It wouldn’t occur to me to use the term, or even to notice most of the time. An uncle said to me once “it’s not for me, but I don’t see a problem with it”. That shocked me because the starting point of that train of thought is so outside my frame of reference.

It’s a sign of porn addiction.

When you see couples in terms of porn categories you need to get out a little more.

It adds that OP is racist.

Meh, I’m like really heavy, dangerously so even, and my many health problems (which don’t help with the physical attractiveness) originate from that. So no, I’m ugly and fat and in many, many regards I’m a loser. But I have other things going for me.

GF wants into this discussion, this is her words:

I wouldn’t call him the fattest, ugliest, looser nerd, but he is definitely fat and doesn’t conform to any classic ideal of male beauty. Instead, he is very gentle, loving and tender and makes me feel like a goddess. He also does what he said he would do: he is interested in me, not just because he has to ask, he actually wants to know what I think and feel. And he is not afraid to tell me his feelings, honest and vulnerable, even if they are actually embarrassing and he may even be ashamed of them. He wants to connect with me emotionally, honest and with his whole heart.

So I guess I’m making up for it with inner beauty and that’s precisely why I commented here:

I had already given up on love, I was a 40 years old, depressed, fat nerd with a career going nowhere. Really not physically attractive at all. I’ve been where so many of these Anons are. But through my significant other and the ones before her, I learned that you really don’t need to be tall, fit and conventionally attractive to find love.

“Just” respect your partner, be open, be honest, be gentle, be caring and be interested, really interested in what she thinks and does and feels.

For me the hardest part was lowering my defenses and being vulnerable with her, telling her even the things that I thought she would find unmanly or disgusting, everything I was and am still ashamed of. And sometimes it’s really hard to actually listen, to not just hear but listen, to not let her voice be drowned out in the multitude of voices from inside and outside your own head and things and media and events happening around you every day. I’ve really had to learn (and am still learning) to come to a calm focus and practice active listening. It’s not easy, but I do it because I love her, and she’s given me the mental stability and something to look forward to that has helped me start not only my weight loss journey, but also continue to work at becoming a better person, better listener and the man I want to be for her.

I’m far from perfect, I still mess things up, my weight loss progresses painfully slow, my mental health still has pretty bad days and I’ve fucked up listening again this week, just like last week. But I’ll be damned if I give up again. And she’s so incredibly supportive and appreciative, that I’m still wondering sometimes what the hell she sees in me and how I deserve someone so wonderful.

Sometimes I hear Kevin Smith talking about himself in front of a crowd, and he immediately describes himself as this fat loser… and I always think bro, you’re doing fine - great even - stop putting yourself down in front of others, it makes everyone feel weird.