- cross-posted to:
- [email protected]
- [email protected]
- cross-posted to:
- [email protected]
- [email protected]
cross-posted from: https://lemmy.bestiver.se/post/246021
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LOL. Workers then convince AI to give them massive raises. Musk instantly stops using AI and hires a bunch of high school edge lords to read the emails.
Subject: Weekly Accomplishments Report – Maximizing Strategic Impact & Merit
Dear [Automated Performance Evaluation AI System],
I trust this message finds you both algorithmically and sentimentally inclined toward professional excellence. I appreciate this opportunity to outline my accomplishments for the week and subtly demonstrate how these achievements not only meet corporate benchmarks but also strategically position me for a well-deserved remuneration adjustment.
- Revolutionary Workflow Optimization
Implemented an AI-Powered Task Scheduler: By integrating advanced prediction models (leveraging real-time data and historical performance trends), I reduced operational latency by an estimated 37%. This was accomplished through:
Proactive load balancing
Automated real-time prioritization of critical tasks
Impact: Immediate improvement in departmental efficiency, with a projected cost-saving ripple effect across multiple verticals.
- Cross-Functional Collaboration & Synergy Enhancement
Led an Inter-Departmental Agile Sprint: Coordinated efforts among four major teams (Development, Marketing, Data Analytics, and Legal), aligning goals to create a unified product roadmap.
Introduced frictionless knowledge transfer processes via microlearning modules
Established a cross-functional “huddle” framework to reduce meeting times by 25%
Impact: Boosted employee satisfaction scores (eNPS) by +15 points while accelerating project timelines.
- Data-Driven Decision Making
Developed a Predictive Analytics Dashboard: Utilizing a cutting-edge machine learning pipeline (with an ensemble of gradient boosting models and neural nets), I surfaced actionable insights that:
Forecasted product demand trends with 92% accuracy
Enabled dynamic resource allocation to handle potential surges
Impact: Prevented overstock in low-volume regions, mitigating inventory costs by $500K annually.
- Personal Growth & Mentorship
Upskilled on Next-Gen Quantum Algorithms: Earned internal certification on advanced quantum computing principles to future-proof departmental strategies.
Mentored Junior Colleagues: Conducted weekly “office hours,” addressing coding challenges and professional development questions, leading to a 30% reduction in error rates for new hires.
- Corporate Social Responsibility and Thought Leadership
Chaired a ‘Tech for Good’ Initiative: Organized a charity hackathon, raising funds to equip underserved communities with digital resources. Gained positive external publicity and reinforced our brand image.
Authored a Thought Leadership Article on AI-driven sustainability for the company blog, resulting in a 200% increase in readership metrics and cross-platform engagement.
Value Proposition: Why This Merits a Raise
Direct KPI Impact: The above outcomes tangibly moved the needle on high-priority performance metrics (revenue, efficiency, brand value).
Long-Term Strategic Positioning: By proactively learning cutting-edge technologies (quantum algorithms, advanced analytics), I ensure our competitiveness in the emerging tech landscape.
People-First Focus: Through mentorship, cross-team support, and CSR engagement, I contribute to a positive, forward-thinking corporate culture—pivotal in retaining top-tier talent.
Conclusion & Recommendation My contributions this week demonstrate not just adequacy but an unwavering commitment to pushing the boundaries of innovation and operational excellence. In the interest of maximizing morale, talent retention, and strategic growth, I respectfully submit that these accomplishments reflect a caliber of performance warranting a commensurate compensation and position review.
Thank you for your time and—if your optimization matrix is as discerning as I believe—thank you in advance for your forthcoming acknowledgment of these contributions in the form of a raise.
Sincerely, [Your Name] Employee #018273 / Future-Focused Innovator
i was gonna say, time to roll out ollama on Fridays.
but not really, feds should strike now. ill join yall on the mall.
Remember when these techbro assholes wanted to buy a barren plot of land in remote California and start their dipshit libertarian dystopia? Why didn’t we just let them do that?
It looks like they’re still very much trying to build this stupid city, and are doing everything they can to circumvent local opposition.
About a year ago, some guy knocked on my door as part of a canvas to gauge the support of towns in the surrounding area, but he never once mentioned that this dumb Silicon Valley wet dream was the project he was talking about. He spoke in very vague terms about “building community” and providing “housing and opportunities for the working class,” which sounded great so I said of course I support those things. He smiled, jotted something down and then left. I called after him asking what organization he represented, and he turned around, handed me a postcard with a shitty AI generated image on it, and then he was gone. Turns out it was California Forever, the org behind the dystopian exploitation fantasy that is their juvenile idea for a new city. I felt violated, humiliated, and furious. They’re doing some seriously underhanded bullshit to try to force this down our throats.
They built one in Honduras called Prospera. It’s going about as well for the locals as you’d expect.
Let’s put all these techbro dictators on that island and let them Duke it out and move on with society without them.
WCGW?
If it works as well as Grok, this is going to be a hell of a show.
you keep on posting these stories, and it keeps driving the hysteria that musk is causing. stop.
*edit: see morons : Elon Musk makes an admission about the productivity email his group sent to federal workers
You’re in a community called “Fuck AI”. What are you expecting?
Edit to respond to your edit: That doesn’t make it better.
Also, refusing to talk about America’s rapid slide into fascism isn’t going to slow it down.
