• Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee
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    18 days ago

    - “Grandpa, did you fight in WW3?”
    - “No, they wouldn’t let me enlist because I masturbated way too much. Like an immediately disqualifying amount.”

      • Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee
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        17 days ago

        You kids today are soft, back in my day there was this big war & I could only use one hand because I needed the other to fight people that wanted to evacuate me.

        Or that one time I had to hide in the attic & do it very quietly.

        Or that time I had to do it with a super bright light in my face because there was something called “an interrogation” at the camp.

    • psmgx@lemmy.world
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      15 days ago

      Private Cowboy: Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical.

      Private Joker: What was the matter with him?

      Private Cowboy: He was jerkin’ off ten times a day.

      Private Eightball: No sh*t. At least ten times a day.

      Private Cowboy: Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy f***er starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division

  • nukeM
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    18 days ago

    WW3 is gonna be a 5v5 on de_dust2

    • theangryseal@lemmy.world
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      18 days ago

      Heeeeey. There might be a role for me after all.

      I want it in Source at 800x600 on my end. CRT please.

      • nukeM
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        18 days ago

        I know we just met but I feel very confident leaving the fate of the free world in your hands. Just cool it with the warcrimes okay, all that teabagging is going land you in the Hague.

      • TopRamenBinLaden
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        18 days ago

        The Astralis esports team basically turns into Delta Force in this scenario.

    • TriflingToad
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      18 days ago

      TF2 and they all pootis, POW!! Each other till everyone’s dead

  • ERROR: Earth.exe has crashed@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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    18 days ago

    Plot twist, I binge ate to become fat to avoid conscription.

    Weird thing is, South Korean military recruitors are looking for me for some reason, maybe I’m still not fat enough?

    • FoxyFerengi@lemm.ee
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      18 days ago

      I’m a disabled veteran and still get calls from recruiters. They are basically salesmen doing cold calls

          • captainlezbian@lemmy.world
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            17 days ago

            Ok I would be down to just turn my hearing aids lower and lower in response lol. The funny thing to me is I’m not much deafer then they make people. I just come pre deafened and they can’t have that. It’s like if the marines wouldn’t take anyone who bought a car they can’t afford and cheats on their girlfriend, like fair enough but I’ve met y’all it’s strange to insist you be the ones to get people to this state.

      • Maggoty@lemmy.world
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        18 days ago

        I feel bad for recruiters. Someone has to do it but they get shit from everyone.

        • skulblaka
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          17 days ago

          They’d get less shit from everyone if they weren’t predatory liars about it.

    • mindbleach
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      18 days ago

      These light-novel titles get weirder every year.

      • DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social
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        17 days ago

        Robinson Crusoe is considered the first English language novel.

        Its title when it was first published was:

        The Life and Strange Surprizing Adventures of Robinson Crusoe, of York, Mariner: Who lived Eight and Twenty Years, all alone in an un-inhabited Island on the Coast of America, near the Mouth of the Great River of Oroonoque; Having been cast on Shore by Shipwreck, wherein all the Men perished but himself. With An Account how he was at last as strangely deliver’d by Pyrates. Written by Himself.

        So, you see, we are simply returning to traditional forms.

        • mindbleach
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          17 days ago

          Oh, like how isekai was invented by Mark Twain.

    • sugar_in_your_tea
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      18 days ago

      Yeah, there’s a legal requirement for Korean citizens to serve in the military. My SO is Korean, and that’s why my kids aren’t Korean citizens…

      Good luck! Eat some more fast food.

      • Comment105@lemm.ee
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        17 days ago

        Imagine the Chinese taking the Alamo with noclipping special forces wiping out 20,000 men as they sit in a digital forest around a thousand bright but cold campfires talking about Christian values, the merits of racism, and which anime girl is best.

    • ameancow@lemmy.world
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      17 days ago

      You say this while there is currently a bitter war being fought with drones controlled with X-box controllers with VR goggles. The next wars will be conducted via gaming.

      (I mean, besides all the civilians who might get between our murderbots.)

      • ikidd@lemmy.world
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        17 days ago

        Thanks. I thought I’d read everything Cordwainer Smith had written, but had never seen that before.

          • ikidd@lemmy.world
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            17 days ago

            That might have had a rewritten version in it because it was vaguely familiar and I’m pretty sure I have that collection.

            • Dagwood222@lemm.ee
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              17 days ago

              I can’t believe that they haven’t made an anime out of the original catgirl, C’Mell.

              • ikidd@lemmy.world
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                17 days ago

                Man, I wish he had gotten more work done on the Instrumentality. The first novel I read was Norstrilia, maybe when I was like 13 or 14, and that absolutely got me hooked on the universe he built.

                Now I have to go back and read everything again if I can dig those out of the boxes. I was really getting down on the pointlessness maundering of modern SF stories and had pretty much shut down reading it. Now I’m excited again.

                • Dagwood222@lemm.ee
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                  16 days ago

                  John Varley is pretty underrated. “Titan” is an anime ready adventure story and “The Ophiucci Hotline” is good old fashioned hard SF. He’s the first writer I think of who compares with Smith.

    • nuke
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      17 days ago

      Rules 5 and 6

      I don’t care about how much you dislike capitalism, that doesn’t belong in here. Also this is NCD, we love war.

  • superkret@feddit.org
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    18 days ago

    Just put them on a 2000 calory deficit diet during basic training, and double its duration.
    That’ll get rid of 80 pounds of excess fat, plus they won’t have the strength to masturbate.

    Sure, half of them will become casualties before they see action, but they can still pilot drones, do the funny or make coffee, while you can feed the other half into the front line grinder.

  • gibmiser@lemmy.world
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    18 days ago

    We did it! Capitalism saved the planet from WWIII!

    Now we just tidy up a bit…

    • Jack Riddle
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      17 days ago

      I WILL get myself addicted if a draft gets instated. My family has a predisposition towards addiction, and my life would be ruined either way.

      • repungnant_canary@lemmy.world
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        17 days ago

        I don’t know the statistics but survival chances for addicts might be actually better than for soldiers in active combat

  • SapphironZA
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    17 days ago

    “The enemy cannot push a button, if you disable his hand!”

    • Sergeant Zim
    • Mycatiskai@lemmy.ca
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      16 days ago

      If they make a bigger button and then the enemy can push a button with their wrist nubbin.

  • Zahtu@feddit.org
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    18 days ago

    You know that movie with Bruce Willis named Surrogates? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surrogates The Scene where they visit the Military.

    This is how WW3 will happen, i figure. Warfare from the comfort of your home, ready to jump into o a new robot Body once downed. War being nothing more than a Battle of attrition and technical Ressources.

    • Uriel238 [all pronouns]@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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      17 days ago

      As Randall Munroe observes, the first billionaire to create an AI-controlled swarm of killer robots will try to take over the world. So it may be Robot Wars on a grand scale.

    • phx@lemmy.ca
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      17 days ago

      Hmmm, piloting a robot body against other robot bodies in war actually sounds kinda cool. Live-fire paintball without the risk of actual injury

      • normalexit@lemmy.world
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        17 days ago

        The robots probably wouldn’t stop with the other robots. For example, if Israel had remote piloted robot warriors do you think they would only attack and kill other robots? They would just send them into Palestine, slaughter the “hostiles” and wouldn’t bat an eye.

  • potatopotato
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    18 days ago

    Based on all the Arma footage already in the news I thought this was always the plan…