• nuke
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    6 days ago

    Friendly reminder to be noncredible. Don’t actually attack other people for their religious beliefs. If you don’t have a funny take, and you’re just here to spread hate, maybe shut the fuck up instead 👍

  • @[email protected]
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    145 days ago

    The Amish are pacifists and the Mormons have been involved in several wars so my bet is on the Mormons.

  • @[email protected]
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    1096 days ago

    I’m in the firm belief that Amish are crazy but harmless.

    Mormons are not that. Mormons are a modern organization, and one that is ruthless and demanding of its followers, and with funding to spare.

  • @[email protected]
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    436 days ago

    In the first week, the Mormon airforce rises into the air and starts a carpet bombing campaign.

    Seemingly, the Amish are destroyed as there are no signs of fighting back. The Mormon missionaries move in to pacify the newly conquered territory. But all the towns are dead and empty.

    After two weeks of raising the Mormon flags everywhere, the top brass gets a notice: several Amish towns have sprung up in the hinterlands. Quickly the Mormon army rushes in but all they find are desolated settlements.

    General after general gets burn-out from this game of whack-a-mole. The Mormons want a fight but the pacifist Amish aren’t playing along. The Mormon youth gets dissatisfied with their rulers who called then into a war and are not delivering.

    On the other side of the curtain, the Amish are not allowed to fight back. They simply leave their homes and rebuild somewhere else, especially in places the Mormon army just left. But some amongst them are of the opinion that, although fighting is strictly prohibited, a few accident should be within the rules.

    So the numbers of unexplained explosions in the Mormon homeland start to rise. It’s just the beginning, but the methane tanks on the Amish dairy farms overfloweth.

    A Mormon officer suggests arming local cheese lords to get a hold of the situation. Wherever have we seen that before?

    • @[email protected]
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      65 days ago

      My only proposed time dit: Due to their uncanny ability to construct elaborate building in a single day, the Amish continue constructing full barns and houses at each site.

    • @verity_kindleM
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      86 days ago

      Hail the local cheese lords! Welcome to CHEEZDOME

  • @[email protected]
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    596 days ago

    Mormons. They already have an army of ~70k extremely impressionable 18-20 year olds (missionaries) hopped up on dirty sodas and sexual repression ready to do whatever for their prophet in the name of god.

    Source: was Mormon, was missionary, still live in Utah. lol

      • @[email protected]
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        256 days ago

        Soda with mix ins. Like flavor mix ins. So you go to a soda shop, ask for a Dr Pepper, then get like vanilla, coconut, or raspberry, etc mix ins. Kinda like an Italian soda. It’s huge here in utah.

          • Lightor
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            116 days ago

            I moved here from NY and it surprised me. I think it’s because they can’t have coffee and such, so they drink a ton of soda. Coffee bad, but a 44 oz Coke at 8am, totally fine.

            • @[email protected]
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              25 days ago

              I had a mormon friend who was similar and it was just jarring the amount of diet mountain dew that he could put away.

          • @[email protected]
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            126 days ago

            Nah, most of them are just modern soulless rectangle buildings with little or no interior decorations. I’ve only been inside one a few years back tho. However most people just use the drive through and line up like 50 cars deep and block traffic and access to other surrounding buildings like the lemmings they are, lol

            • @verity_kindleM
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              36 days ago

              My house will be soulless without some schweet Amish benches on the porch. Money on them to win, I have no other choice. It’s a huge ass wraparound porch.

          • @[email protected]
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            86 days ago

            Yes, but imagine they’re as prolific as Starbucks and with 5x the amount of sugar as a normal soda. Everyone thinks the south is the sugary drink capital of the US, with Coca-Cola being in Georgia and sweet tea being the official drink south of the Mason-Dixon, but compared to the shit that comes out of those dirty soda shops in Utah, they’re like LaCroix and plain black tea by comparison.

            Since they can’t do “hot drinks”, my coworkers there would typically drink 2-3 Monsters or 20oz bottles of Mountain Dew in a typical workday. It was absolutely insane to see.

        • @Oni_eyes
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          25 days ago

          Wait, they can have caffeine now?

          • @sugar_in_your_tea
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            35 days ago

            Nobody ever said they couldn’t, the only proscription is on “hot drinks,” which has been interpreted as “coffee and tea.” The anti-caffeine people are the “spirit of the law” people, and for decades, Coke sold caffeine-free versions of their products to BYU (that ended relatively recently).

            • @Oni_eyes
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              14 days ago

              Huh, TIL. Had some classmates that are Mormon growing up and I guess they were from the spirit of the law group.

          • @sugar_in_your_tea
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            5 days ago

            Think of Sonic, but on steroids. There are chains of soda shops here in Utah who literally only sell soda, and they have every mixin you can think of. Mango puree? Yup. Gummy bears? You bet! Peeps? What do you think we are, amateurs??

            Come visit Utah, where everyone is speed-running diabetes. Why? Because the 64oz soda holders in our massive trucks need to be filled, and not with peasant sodas from Maverick or 7/11, but with real, artisan sodas with crazy mixins and whatnot.

    • @potatopotato
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      346 days ago

      This is the real answer, there are soooo many Mormon gun companies and defense contractors it’s fucking wild.

      • @[email protected]
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        5 days ago

        The Amish might be more self reliant for the long haul. Keep growing veggies and chickens and you can outlast the Mormons during an insurgency.

    • Tar_Alcaran
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      26 days ago

      And we all know how well it went the last time a massive industrialized army took on a bunch of peasants on bikes.

        • @[email protected]
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          186 days ago

          Lots of Mormons in the Secret Service, FBI, etc. Their jingoistic fervor is highly sought after.

          • @[email protected]M
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            146 days ago

            some recruiters call this “low-risk behavior”, apparently cult takeover was not one of these risks

            • ditty
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              66 days ago

              Yeah their adherence to the Mormon faith means they live largely without indulging in vices so they are harder to compromise/extort (allegedly)

              • @[email protected]M
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                46 days ago

                yeah they might be harder to compromise with booze but they are already compromised by cult thinking, best deal in history lol

          • nukeOPM
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            86 days ago

            That can’t be real because everyone knows

            THERE IS NO CIA